self-improvement

Gratitude is the antidote to comparison

Karri Christiansen, , , , Leave a comment

And so, we find ourselves well into the holiday season. For many people, this is a season of giving, of gratefulness and of kindness. For many others, though, this season can spur thoughts of comparison, leaving us feeling either inferior or superior to others.

The holiday season can remind many of us of all we have and all we have to be thankful for. Some people, though, find themselves falling into that comparison trap of feeling as though we’re not doing enough, we’re not having as much fun celebrating the holidays as others may be, that our houses are not decorated as spectacularly as other people’s houses, that our holiday fashions pale in comparison to others. Some people may feel as though they have to go overboard with giving, doing and being everything to everyone in order to feel as though they measure up during the holiday season.

What may help us stay out of that comparison trap is practicing gratitude. When we practice gratitude, we give ourselves permission to be thankful for all we have, all we do, for the people in our lives, and the time we have with them. The holiday season can leave us feeling as though we’re not doing enough, that we don’t have enough, that we aren’t enough … but only if we let ourselves feel that way. The antidote to comparison is gratitude.

Yes, it can be difficult to let go of comparison when it seems from magazines, reels, and social media that we might not be “measuring up” to other people. But when we engage in comparison, we are forgetting to practice gratitude for our lives. Practicing gratitude can remind us that many of us have just what we need right now. Yes, some people have more, and some people have less. That does not make us somehow lesser than or better than. Let go of the need for comparison.

What happens when we find ourselves falling into that comparison trap? We may notice that we start to feel either inferior or superior to others. Remind yourself that it is okay to be grateful for what you have while working toward what you want. If you find yourself falling into that comparison trap, try to use comparison as a tool to make your life better, to do better for yourself and for others, to inspire yourself.

Most of us will fall into that comparison trap from time to time; that is normal and human. When you notice yourself feeling somehow lesser than or better than others, try to remind yourself that none of us is lesser than or better than another person. We’re all just different. And that is the beauty of humanity. None of us is exactly the same as another. My life is different than your life. My situation is different than your situation. And, that is okay. Not better than. Not lesser than. Just different. Practice gratitude for all you are and all you have at the moment. Practice gratitude and let go of the need to compare yourself to anyone else, anyone else’s life, and anyone else’s situation.

What can you practice gratitude for during this holiday season, and all the other seasons of your life? Can you let go of the need to compare yourself, your life, your situation to anyone else’s? Can you remind yourself that none of us is better than or lesser than another human? We’re all just different. And that is the beauty of humanity.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

Gratitude is the antidote to comparison

What happens when we “one up” or “one down” with others?

Karri Christiansen, , , , Leave a comment

We seem to be living in an era where people often engage in comparison. Thanks in part to the advent of social media, with people posting their highlight reels and making it seems as though their lives are nearly perfect, many people find that they engage in a dangerous game of comparing their lives to those of others, even those they do not know personally. Where, you may ask, is the danger in that?

The danger lies in the fact that we cannot really know what is going on in the lives of others unless we know them personally and show an interest in who they are and what they are doing. That requires some measure of vulnerability and courage to connect in real life, on a human level. Social media largely prevents us from really connecting and reinforces the often subconscious act of comparing our lives to others. That happens with social media, and in real life. Comparing our lives to those of others is a slippery slope that can leave us feeling either better than or less than others. It encourages us to “one up” or, sometimes, “one down” with others so that we feel in some way either better than or less than others. Either way, doing so is bad for our mental health.

When we “one up” or “one down” with others, what we are doing is encouraging feelings of insecurity to fester within us. The more secure we are in ourselves and our own lives, the less we will feel the need to engage in those “one up” or “one down” behaviors of comparison. The more secure we are in ourselves and our lives, the more we will come to realize that comparison is a futile act. There will always be someone who has more and there will always be someone who has less. The question is, can you be okay with what you have while working toward what you want?

When we engage in comparison, when we “one up” or “one down” with others, we lose the ability to evaluate our own lives accurately. We look at our lives through a lens that is cloudy. And that can leave us feeling insecure. When we “one up” with others, what we really are doing is saying, “I have to prove to myself and others that I am better than someone else.” The same is true when we “one down” with others. When we say we have it worse than others, we are saying that we cannot appreciate all we have and all we are. This sort of behavior rarely leaves us feeling empowered, and in fact, can leave us feeling as though we are never good enough, smart enough, rich enough, never enough of anything at all.

While most of us engage in comparison at some point, it may behoove us to remember that doing so really only robs us of the chance to be happy with who we are, what we are and what we have. Yes, someone may have it better than us. That does not have to mean that we are somehow less than. Yes, someone may have it worse than us. That does not mean we are somehow better than. We just are. We just are wonderfully made, perfectly imperfect humans and that is all we need to be. We do not need to be better than or worse than to prove anything to anyone. We can just be us.

Can you give yourself permission to free yourself from comparison? Can you give yourself permission to appreciate who and what and where you are in your life without the need to compare yourself and your life to others? Can you remind yourself that comparison is the thief of joy?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

What happens when we “one up” or “one down” with others?

Can we enjoy being wrong?

Karri Christiansen, , Leave a comment

It seems as though we are living in an era when many people have concerns about being wrong, and what being wrong says about them. We currently live in a time when we are flooded with misinformation and disinformation, with many people doubling-down on their beliefs even in the face of new or updated information, or information that runs contrary to their strongly-held beliefs. We are living in an era when people seemingly cannot accept even the idea that they may be wrong.

What would it mean if we were to entertain the notion that we could, in fact, be wrong? It seems as though many people believe that being wrong carries some heavy meaning about them as human beings. What if that weren’t true? What if being wrong could be joyful, pleasurable?

In the book “Think Again,” Adam Grant encourages us to consider not just that we could be wrong in our thinking, but the idea that being wrong opens us up to the possibility of learning something new. What if instead of carrying the belief that being wrong means we somehow are defective as a human being, we consider the notion that we could be wrong about all sorts of things and that means we could be open to learning something new.

What if being wrong doesn’t say something about you as a human being other than the fact that you are open to learning? Could you take pleasure in the idea of learning something new? Can you entertain the notion that you can both learn something new and still hold onto your beliefs?

We can hold both the idea of being wrong AND stay true to our beliefs while entertaining the idea that others may have new or updated information. That does not have to say anything about who we are as humans, other than that we may have just discovered some new piece of information, as well as something about ourselves.

Being wrong is not a character flaw. Being wrong does not have to mean that we have to upend our way of thinking. It just means that we can be open to new ideas or new information. When we double-down on what we already think we know, we do not leave any room for learning. When we double-down on what we think we already know, we lose an opportunity to change and grow as people, as thinkers. It seems there is a lot of that happening now, in the age of misinformation, disinformation and living in the echo chamber of social media.

How do we open ourselves up to the possibility that we could be wrong? We enter into conversations with people who may think differently than we do and approach them with curiosity and compassion. We entertain the notion that we may not be the smartest person in the conversation or in the room. And we admit to ourselves that if we think we are the smartest person in the conversation or in the room, we likely are in the wrong room.

Life should be about learning. Learning is how we grow, change and evolve. When we open ourselves up to the idea of learning, we give ourselves permission to check our facts, vet our news sources and engage in compassionate conversation with people who think differently than we might.

Can you give yourself permission to consider that you may be wrong … from time to time? Can you give yourself permission to be open to new ways of thinking? Can you think like a scientist by checking your facts, vetting your sources, and verify that you have not been fed misinformation or have fallen prey to disinformation? Being wrong is not a character flaw. Give yourself permission to be a lifelong learner.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

Can we enjoy being wrong?

What does it mean to practice gratitude?

Karri Christiansen, , , , Leave a comment

It seems as though the season of gratitude is upon us, though many people seem to be struggling to find things for which they are grateful. This is understandable, given the current state of the world. Still, if we take the time to look, there remains much to be grateful for.

With Thanksgiving being celebrated in the United States and other places just a few days from now, many people find that they are seeking things for which to express gratitude. Yes, given the state of the world, that can feel challenging. That may mean looking a little harder for things we are grateful for, or perhaps looking a little closer to home.

What does it mean to practice gratitude anyway, and why should we attempt to do so? Well, with everything going on in the world, taking the time to practice gratitude for what is good can leave us feeling less hopeless and helpless, less despair and less depressed. How do we practice gratitude when it seems as though the world has turned upside down. Well, I encourage you to start small.

I often encourage people struggling to practice gratitude to find three small things that are good, that made them smile during the day, or brought them some measure of pleasure. We do not have to think that we can only practice gratitude when we find a zillion dollars at the end of a double rainbow (which likely won’t happen, but maybe you found a penny on the ground). We can practice gratitude for the small things, like our morning beverage, and drill down on that.

For example, today I find myself grateful for my morning coffee, which I shared over conversation with my husband. I am grateful for the electricity I used to brew my coffee and the fact that I have regular, running water to make my coffee. I can practice gratitude for the people who grew my coffee beans and for whomever ground and bagged those beans, and for whomever manufactured my cup. Again, we don’t have to practice gratitude for the big stuff, we can do it for the little stuff, the stuff we sometimes take for granted.

We also can practice gratitude for the people in our lives … even those who think differently than we do or who live differently than we do. With many people gathering later this week around the table for their annual Thanksgiving feast, there are many things for which we can practice gratitude. Even Uncle Mike, whose politics may be different than ours.

Why practice gratitude in the first place? What good will come of it? There is some evidence that those who do practice gratitude on a regular basis are happier and healthier. Some people argue that gratitude is the birthplace of joy and that it’s not happy people who are grateful but grateful people who are happy. Some people find it helpful to write down at some point during the day (maybe over that morning beverage), three things for which they are grateful. Again, it doesn’t have to be three big things like you won a huge promotion with an obscene pay raise. Maybe it’s just that you have the ability to work.

We have 24 hours in a day during which we can find all sorts of things to practice gratitude for. When we do, we may find that our outlook on life may improve even just a little bit, we may feel happier. And when we are happier, we are healthier. Maybe we practice gratitude for that.

What are three things you can express gratitude for today? This week? This Thanksgiving? Who or what made you smile, or even laugh? Where did you find pleasure? What surprised you in a good way? Practice gratitude for that.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

What does it mean to practice gratitude?

Have you become comfortably uncomfortable?

Karri Christiansen, , , , Leave a comment

It happens to the best of us. We find ourselves in a situation or set of circumstances that, after a while, leave us wondering how we got here. Suddenly, we find ourselves feeling stuck or trapped or imprisoned. Well, how did we get here? How did we become comfortably uncomfortable?

What does it mean to be comfortably uncomfortable? What it may mean for some people is that we have become numb to or even tuned out from the emotional pain we have endured for days, weeks, months, years, even decades. What may have started out as something promising, even hopeful, somewhere along the road became painful. We may not even be sure how that happened.

Likely, though, is that we have made a series of choices, however big or small, to remain in a situation or set of circumstances that no longer serves us, is unhealthy or even downright dangerous. These choices may have seemed reasonable, even right, at the time but things have changed. Something has changed. Maybe us.

Now, we find ourselves involved in something that no longer serves a purpose or no longer makes us happy or no longer leaves us feeling fulfilled. Yet, for some reason we have chosen to stay. We have become comfortably uncomfortable. We may not yet be at the breaking point. We may have subconsciously decided that leaving this particular situation or set of circumstances takes far more emotional and physical energy than we can muster right now. We may have subconsciously decided that we deserve to be where we are. We may have subconsciously made the choice to remain. We may have convinced ourselves that we haven’t the courage to change our circumstances or leave a given situation.

My guess is that you are more courageous than you give yourself credit for. My guess is that you are far braver than you think you are. Yes, leaving the situation you have found yourself in may be scary. Yes, abandoning the set of circumstances that have left you comfortably uncomfortable may leave you feeling grief. Yes, this could be difficult. Yes, you can do difficult things.

We have the power to make the decision to stop doing the thing that no longer brings us joy. We have the power to leave a situation that no longer serves us. We have the power to take back our lives so that we feel fulfilled, happy and healthy. We have that power. We just have to give ourselves permission to take our lives back. We deserve to take our lives back.

Sometimes, the thing that keeps us feeling comfortably uncomfortable is actually us. We’ve fallen prey to a series of choices that, while once may have served us, no longer make sense. We have the power to say “I’m done with this.” We have the power to say “No” to the thing that no longer brings us joy. We can take back our power by intentionally making healthier choices. We can take back our power by making choices that truly serve us. We can take back our power by making choices that are right for us and us alone. What can you do today to take back your power? How will you choose courage over comfort?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

Have you become comfortably uncomfortable?