We talk a lot about self-love these days but one thing we sometimes forget to speak of is how to get there. We know that self-love is not selfish; it is necessary so that we can become happy, healthy individuals. But how do we move from perhaps disliking ourselves to coming to love who we are while becoming who we want to be? The first step is to pay attention to how we talk to ourselves.

So many of us engage in negative self-talk, saying sometimes downright cruel things to ourselves. How many of us walk around calling ourselves derogatory names like “idiot,” “loser” or “dumbass?” I suspect many of us engage in this sort of self-shaming talk without even realizing it. I wonder what would happen if instead of calling ourselves nasty names, we instead referred to ourselves in loving terms, using words like “darling,” “love” or “sweetheart?” I wonder this because it matters how we speak to ourselves. We cannot shame ourselves into self-love. We cannot speak badly to ourselves and expect our brains and bodies to respond positively.

Instead of engaging in negative self-talk, try countering those statements with positive affirmations. Focus on those parts and qualities of you that you like and voice them aloud. For example, instead of calling yourself ugly, compliment yourself aloud on your beautiful eyes, your winsome smile, your lovely hands. Instead of calling yourself stupid, remind yourself that you have skills others may not possess. Instead of berating yourself for making a mistake, remind yourself that you are doing the best you can with what you have right now. You are listening to the way you speak to yourself so try to speak kindly to yourself, just as you might speak to a friend or other loved one. More likely than not you would not say cruel things to a loved one, so why speak that way to yourself?

It takes practice to move away from negative self-talk and self-shaming but I guarantee the more you practice positive self-affirmations and positive self-talk, the closer you will come to self-love. It may seems strange or silly at first to speak kindly to yourself but I suspect that with practice, you will notice a marked shift in the way you not just perceive yourself but in the way you feel about yourself. You might notice that you stand a little taller, walk with more confidence and speak with more authority after practicing positive self-affirmations for a few weeks. The more we engage in positive self-talk the better we will start to feel about ourselves and the more we will come to love ourselves for the perfectly imperfect beings that we are. We all have positive qualities we can focus on; what are yours? Think for a moment about three things you like about yourself and voice them aloud. Perhaps your three things are that you are kind, caring and compassionate. Voice those things aloud in “I am … ” statements. Remind yourself that there is more good about you than bad and then focus on those good qualities. Remember that the way you speak to yourself matters and that you cannot shame yourself into self-love.

What three positive things about yourself might you be able to focus on today? Can you voice those things? Can you counter your negative self-talk with positive self-affirmations? The more you do so, the better you will feel about yourself. Why not give it a try? Why not give yourself a chance to feel good about yourself?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

I always am loathe to give up summer. I love the feeling of the warm sun on my face, the heat of summer on my skin. I love to see summer flowers blooming in neighbors’ yards while I am out running or walking. I often find myself lamenting summer’s end, but recently have realized that in so doing I neglect to see the beauty of autumn.

We think of New Year’s Day as a time to renew our commitment to adopting new habits or creating positive change in our lives. Yet autumn can teach us similar things. As the leaves on the trees start changing color and dropping to the ground, we can be reminded of how beautiful it is to let things go. Autumn can help remind us how it is okay to let go of the things that weigh us down.

This time of year reminds me that perhaps there is no better time to let go of things like negative self-talk, worry or concern about what others think of me and others’ expectations. This time of year reminds me that it is okay to rid my life of things that no longer bring me joy, be that people, places or things. This time of year reminds me that sometimes we have to let go of the things that weigh us down so that we can soar, so that we can rise up and lift ourselves out of any misery we may be experiencing.

So many of us struggle with negative self-talk, low self-esteem, worry about the way others perceive us, shoulding ourselves, perfectionism. What might happen if we let go of those things? What might happen if we took time this season to let go of all our negative thoughts and embraced change? What might happen if we looked at autumn as a time to renew our commitment to positive change in our lives?

What are some things that you have been carrying with you that you could let go? Is it guilt or shame? Is it people pleasing? Is it materialism? Is it poor body image? Is it bad habits? Is it toxic relationships? Know that whatever it might be that is weighing you down, it is okay to let go. Remember that it is acceptable to let go of the things or people that no longer bring you joy. Consider the possibility that some burdens are not yours to carry. It is okay to set down those that are not.

Many of us struggle with the change of seasons. The shorter days of autumn can lead to the depressive symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder. Perhaps instead of lamenting summer’s end, it might be helpful to think about autumn as a time to embrace change. There is beauty in all of the seasons, just as there is beauty in all seasons of your life. Each season of our life can teach us about who we are and help us become who we always were meant to be. First, though, we need to let go of all that is weighing us down. Think about what you might be able to let go this autumn. Embrace change and consider how doing so might free you of burdens that are not yours to carry.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. Nearly one in five people experience suicidal thoughts in their lifetime, and suicide is the most common cause of death for men under 50. Suicide is on the rise in communities of color and among teenagers. People living with mental health conditions and addictions are more likely to consider suicide. Still, so many people with mental health problems are made to feel ashamed or worthless because of their illnesses.

With nearly one in five people living with mental illness at any given time in the United States, it is possible that someone you know right now has a mental health problem. Take the time today to ask a loved one how they’re doing: it could change their life. So many people who are considering suicide do so because they feel alone in their depression, in their anxiety, in their addiction. Let the people in your life know that you care about them; tell them that you love them and need them in your life. Let the people you care about know that their lives matter, that their existence matters and that their lives are worth living. Let the people you care about know that they are not alone.

It is important to know that if someone you love is thinking about suicide, it is okay to talk about that. It is okay to use the word “suicide” when dealing with someone considering his or her own death. Using the word “suicide” will not put the idea in that person’s head. Be direct and tell them how losing them will affect you. So often, people considering suicide believe that they are a burden on those they love, on the world. Make sure your loved one knows this is not true. Make sure your loved one knows that they are important to you for so many reasons.

If you or a loved one is experiencing suicidal thoughts, please call 1.800.273.TALK. You also may text the Crisis Text Line at 741 741 for assistance or dial 911 for immediate help.

Why do we sometimes feel as though we have to apologize for our feelings? Are our feelings not valid, be they mad, sad, happy, glad or otherwise? Are we not entitled to our feelings?

Recently in my work as a therapist, many of my clients have been apologizing to me for feeling a certain way or for crying in session. I try to reassure them that the space we share is a space where they can feel whatever it is they are feeling. There are no wrong feelings. There are only your feelings, and not only are your feelings valid but they matter. You do not have to apologize for your feelings. Own them.

So many of us have spent years avoiding our feelings. We stay busy in an effort to manage our feelings, particularly the rough ones. What might we be afraid of if we simply sit with our feelings, be they happy, mad, sad or glad. What happens if we think of feelings as though they are visitors? Visitors come and go; rarely do they stay forever. Our feelings are fleeting, they will pass. Practice simply noticing what you are feeling and sitting with it for a few minutes. The more we accept our feelings the less judgemental we will be with ourselves for feeling a particular way.

When we own our feelings, we take responsibility for how we have chosen to react to any given situation. Yes, there will be times when we feel angry or frustrated, hurt, disappointed or sad. There will be times when we feel elated, happy, excited or ecstatic. Own all the feelings, good and bad. You are entitled to both. Own your feelings. Do not give anyone else the power to “make” you feel any given way. Your feelings are your own. You are responsible for them and for the way you express them. If you need to cry, remember that it is okay to cry. Let the tears come, let them cleanse your soul. If you need to laugh, do so with a happy heart.

The more we remember that we can choose how we react to any given situation by pausing and reflecting on what it is that we feel, the easier it can be to own our feelings. Slow down and notice what you are feeling. Share those feelings in a way that is respectful and feels good to you by using “I feel … ” statements. Those statements can be used to share both positive and negative emotions. The more you practice using such statements, the easier it becomes not only to get in touch with what you are feeling but to share those feelings with people.

When we own our feelings and allow ourselves to sit with them for a few moments, we can find it easier to find our inner peace. Remember that your feelings are valid and that you are entitled to your feelings while at the same time digging deep to determine what exactly it is you are feeling. It may take a few minutes to really discern what you are feeling. Name it and own it. Your feelings are your own and you are responsible for them. Can you take a few moments to sit with those feelings and come to a place of acceptance? Can you accept those feelings without judgement? Can you own your feelings?

Today is the day we celebrate fathers in the United States, but for some people Father’s Day can be extremely difficult. For those who have lost their fathers, those who had or have strained relationships with their fathers, those who yearn to be fathers but are not, this day can be hard to navigate.

When celebrating this day, it is important to remember that not everyone still has a living father and that not every man is a father. Instead of saying, “Happy Father’s Day” to every man you meet, perhaps instead consider saying simply, “Enjoy your day.”

So many people I know already have lost their fathers and this day can be bittersweet. For those of you who have lost your fathers, try to remember the good times you shared with your dad. Try to remember all the goofy dad jokes your father told you. Try to remember all the good things your father taught you and the lessons he imparted.

For those who yearned to be fathers, but for reasons that are extremely personal, cannot be, this day can be very painful. Try to remember with compassion, love and understanding those who wished to become fathers but could not. Those who are childless may have desperately wanted children and seeing you and your father together today can be hard for these men. Some fathers may already have lost a child or children. Remember them on this day.

Many children have had strained relationships with their fathers and celebrating on this day may not be a realistic option. For some people, the relationship they have with their father is complicated. Their relationships with their fathers may have been abusive verbally, physically or even sexually. Remember this when you offer your holiday greetings.

For those of you whose fathers still are living and with whom you have a good relationship, I hope you enjoy your day. Remember how lucky you are to be with your father on this day and every day.

As someone who has struggled with anorexia for about four decades, I know firsthand how exhausting it is to constantly criticize one’s own body. And as someone who turned 52 years old just two days ago, I also know that one’s body changes over time and dealing with those changes can be challenging.

I also have been working with several clients who are struggling with body image issues, men and women who are concerned about what they look like and how others view them. So many of us worry about how our bodies appear not just to ourselves but to others, perhaps to our mates or potential mates. So many of us engage in negative self-talk about our bodies. Some of us who are getting older may feel in a way that our bodies have somehow betrayed us. It is in those moments that it is important to practice gratitude for what our bodies still are capable of. It is in those moments that we can try to counter our negative self-talk with positive affirmations, reminding ourselves that we are more than our bodies. Our bodies are simply vessels for our souls.

Several of the people with whom I have been working on body image issues admit that they focus more on those parts of their bodies they do not like rather on the things they do like. These folks, not unlike many of us, beat themselves up for perceived imperfections. But none of us is perfect. None of us has a perfect body. Our beauty lies in our imperfections. What would happen if instead of focusing on those parts of our bodies we feel are somehow flawed and focused instead on those parts we believe are beautiful? What would happen if instead of focusing on our bodies, we focused instead on our souls? After all, we are more than our ever-changing bodies.

So many of us gauge our worth as humans by the number we see on the bathroom scale. In reality, all that number does is define our relationship with gravity. Yes, it is important to maintain a healthy lifestyle and a healthy weight. But if we constantly focus on that number we see on the scale, we can find ourselves beating ourselves up for normal weight fluctuations. Just because our weight fluctuates, does not mean that we are somehow less worthy of love and belonging. Our worth is not dependent on what we weigh.

We have been conditioned by society to believe that we must look a certain way in order to be worthy of love and belonging. Fashion magazines and advertising make us believe that if we are not perfect, we are not worthy of love. This could not be further from the truth. We are worthy of love and belonging simply because we are human. You do not have to weigh a certain amount in order to be worthy of love.

I wonder what would happen if instead of beating ourselves up, instead of engaging in negative self-talk about our bodies, we instead engaged in positive affirmations and appreciation for what our bodies are capable of? I wonder what would happen if we offered ourselves compliments for those body parts we do like? How can you express appreciation for all your body is capable of today? Can you thank your body for allowing you to experience this day, whatever it might bring? Can you thank your body for being a vessel for your beautiful soul?

Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

Not too long ago, I started practicing guided meditations to help calm my mind and to relieve stress. It has taken some practice but I have found that the more often I practice, the more I have come to understand how important it is to practice taking time to just rest. I am coming to learn that it is okay to simply be.

How many of us find that we feel as though we must hustle for our worthiness? How many of us feel as though we have to be constantly going, doing, moving to earn validation for our being? How many of us find it difficult to give ourselves permission to just be?

I have been working with someone for several months now who found that his drive to constantly be doing more and more led to him feeling so burned out that he had to take a sabbatical and then switch jobs. He has come to the realization during his sabbatical that it is okay to take time just for him to rest. I tried to assure him that this is perfectly acceptable. Our minds and bodies will tell us when it is necessary to rest. If we fail to listen to our bodies, we run the risk of burnout. I tried to remind this fellow that we are human beings, not human doings.

I tried to remind this fellow, as well as others with whom I am working, that our worth is not dependent upon how much we do. We are inherently worthy of love and belonging simply because we are human. We do not have to constantly be doing more and more and more to deserve love. We just have to be.

What happens if you start making time in your busy schedule to just rest? What happens if you take five or 10 or 15 minutes to just be? Perhaps if you do, you might find that you are better able to tackle whatever else is on your to-do list. Perhaps you might feel recharged. Perhaps you might feel more equipped to go on with the rest of your day. Perhaps you might feel rejuvenated.

Your worth as a human being does not depend on how long your to-do list is. Your worth as a human being does not depend on how many items you cross off that list. Your worth as a human being does not depend on how busy you are. It is okay to stop and rest. It is okay to take time to just be, to just be you.

I wonder what would happen if you started practicing guided meditation and/or mindfulness. There are several ways to go about doing so, several apps you could consider downloading that offer mindfulness exercises. It may feel strange and uncomfortable at first, but I suspect the more often you practice meditation, not only will you find it less uncomfortable but the more you will come to appreciate and benefit from taking time to just be. You deserve some time in your busy day to stop, rest and recharge your batteries. After all, you are a human being, not a human doing.

May has been and continues to be Mental Health Awareness Month in the United States and abroad. Currently in the United States nearly one in five people live with mental illness at any given time. The COVID-19 pandemic has left many people struggling with depression, anxiety and trauma responses. Know that it is okay to struggle and it also is okay to seek out a mental health professional to process your feelings.

Living with mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety can leave one feeling isolated and alone, unsure of themselves and the world around them. Seeking help can mean the difference between feeling as though you are simply existing and living a life with meaning. I myself made the journey from mental illness to mental wellness and continue to tend to my mental health on a daily basis. I long had struggled with anorexia, bipolar disorder and anxiety. It finally dawned on me one day while in the hospital being treated for bipolar disorder that I did not have to play victim to my mental health concerns. I realized that the thing that needed to change was me, not the world around me and so took steps to take charge of my mental health.

Along my mental health journey and now in my career as a social worker, I have come to glean some lessons that you might find helpful. Here are some of the things I have learned:

• Your worth as a human being is not determined by the things you own, the shape of your body or the number on a scale.

• “No” is a complete sentence and you have the right to say that without explanation.

• You are worthy of love and belonging simply because you are human. You do not have to hustle to earn your worth.

• It is okay to walk away from anyone who does not add to your life.

• It takes far more courage to ask for help than it does to suffer in silence.

• There are people who care and it is okay to reach out when you need help.

• If you constantly strive for perfection, you likely more than not will always find yourself disappointed. Nothing is perfect. There is beauty in your imperfections.

• It is difficult to offer compassion to others if you cannot offer yourself compassion. Be kind and gentle with yourself and know that you are doing the best you can with what you have right now.

• Self-care is not selfish. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself so that you can be better able to take care of those you love.

• You are responsible for your own happiness. If you want a better life, make better choices.

Taking charge of your mental health means that you may have to course-correct to change long-held beliefs that affect the way you think about yourself and the world around you. You may have to dig deep and it may be uncomfortable. It takes courage to change but it is so worth it. You deserve to live a happy, healthy life. What steps can you take to improve your mental health? Are you ready to be the victor of your life instead of the victim?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

Today is the day we celebrate mothers, but for some people Mother’s Day can be extremely difficult. For those who have lost their mothers, those who had or have strained relationships with their mothers, those who yearn to be mothers but are not, this day can be hard to navigate.

When celebrating this day, it is important to remember that not everyone still has a living mother and that not every woman is a mother. Instead of saying, “Happy Mother’s Day” to every woman you meet, perhaps instead consider saying simply, “Enjoy your day.”

So many people I know already have lost their mothers and this day can be bittersweet. For those of us who have lost our mothers, try to remember the good times you shared with your mom. I lost my mother nearly nine years ago and not a day goes by that I do not think of her. Our relationship was not always what I hoped it would be, but I can be thankful for her in the knowledge that she did the best she could with what she had at the time.

For those who yearned to be mothers, but for reasons that are extremely personal, cannot be, this day can be very painful. Try to remember with compassion, love and understanding those who wished to become mothers but could not. Those who are childless may have desperately wanted children and seeing you and your mother together today can be hard for these women. Some mothers may already have lost a child or children. Remember them on this day.

Many children have had strained relationships with their mothers and celebrating on this day may not be a realistic option. For some people, the relationship they have with their mother is complicated. Their relationships with their mothers may have been abusive verbally, physically or even sexually. Remember this when you offer your holiday greetings.

For those of you whose mothers still are living and with whom you have a good relationship, I hope you enjoy your day. Remember how lucky you are to be with your mother on this day and every day.