mindfulness

Gratitude is the antidote to comparison

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And so, we find ourselves well into the holiday season. For many people, this is a season of giving, of gratefulness and of kindness. For many others, though, this season can spur thoughts of comparison, leaving us feeling either inferior or superior to others.

The holiday season can remind many of us of all we have and all we have to be thankful for. Some people, though, find themselves falling into that comparison trap of feeling as though we’re not doing enough, we’re not having as much fun celebrating the holidays as others may be, that our houses are not decorated as spectacularly as other people’s houses, that our holiday fashions pale in comparison to others. Some people may feel as though they have to go overboard with giving, doing and being everything to everyone in order to feel as though they measure up during the holiday season.

What may help us stay out of that comparison trap is practicing gratitude. When we practice gratitude, we give ourselves permission to be thankful for all we have, all we do, for the people in our lives, and the time we have with them. The holiday season can leave us feeling as though we’re not doing enough, that we don’t have enough, that we aren’t enough … but only if we let ourselves feel that way. The antidote to comparison is gratitude.

Yes, it can be difficult to let go of comparison when it seems from magazines, reels, and social media that we might not be “measuring up” to other people. But when we engage in comparison, we are forgetting to practice gratitude for our lives. Practicing gratitude can remind us that many of us have just what we need right now. Yes, some people have more, and some people have less. That does not make us somehow lesser than or better than. Let go of the need for comparison.

What happens when we find ourselves falling into that comparison trap? We may notice that we start to feel either inferior or superior to others. Remind yourself that it is okay to be grateful for what you have while working toward what you want. If you find yourself falling into that comparison trap, try to use comparison as a tool to make your life better, to do better for yourself and for others, to inspire yourself.

Most of us will fall into that comparison trap from time to time; that is normal and human. When you notice yourself feeling somehow lesser than or better than others, try to remind yourself that none of us is lesser than or better than another person. We’re all just different. And that is the beauty of humanity. None of us is exactly the same as another. My life is different than your life. My situation is different than your situation. And, that is okay. Not better than. Not lesser than. Just different. Practice gratitude for all you are and all you have at the moment. Practice gratitude and let go of the need to compare yourself to anyone else, anyone else’s life, and anyone else’s situation.

What can you practice gratitude for during this holiday season, and all the other seasons of your life? Can you let go of the need to compare yourself, your life, your situation to anyone else’s? Can you remind yourself that none of us is better than or lesser than another human? We’re all just different. And that is the beauty of humanity.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

Gratitude is the antidote to comparison

Pity is not the same as compassion

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So, like many other people, I am reading “The Let Them Theory” by Mel Robbins, and I find the book intriguing. Much of what I am reading really resonates with me, as likely is true for many other readers. But, while a lot of what I am reading seems on target, some of what I have read so far has rubbed me that wrong way as a human and as a social worker.

In the book, Robbins intimates that most people have the emotional maturity of an eight-year-old. I respectfully disagree. I think many people have better emotional maturity than that. Perhaps what some people are lacking is the emotional vocabulary to accurately describe what they are feeling. Emotions are nuanced, and having the vocabulary to accurately describe what we are feeling is important. That does not mean that if we do not have an expansive emotional vocabulary, we have the emotional maturity of an eight-year-old.

Robbins then goes on to say that we should offer those whose emotional maturity may be less than our own some pity. And compassion. Well, pity is not the same as compassion. In fact, pity and compassion are enemies. Pity implies a tone of superiority toward others while compassion views others as equals.

Perhaps what Robbins is trying to say is that when we choose to react to others whose emotional maturity is less than our own, what we should do is try to offer understanding for where they are coming from. Understanding goes a long way in an attempt to offer compassion. But again, pity is not the same as compassion. Offering someone pity can mean that we keep emotional distance from another person, while offering someone compassion offers us a chance to lean and really try to understand where another person is coming from.

Pity is more akin to feeling sorry for someone and not really trying to understand their plight. Compassion is trying to understand someone’s experience and honoring that experience. If we are trying to gain a better understanding of another person’s emotions or experience, offering that person compassion goes a lot farther than offering someone pity.

As I move through the book, I am reminded that using the “Let Them” theory is just a tool. Anyone who wants to be a better human, who wants to learn that they can choose how to react to what another person says or does may do well to remember that while we cannot control what others think, say or do, we can choose how we want to respond to others. Reminding ourselves that we all experience emotions differently, and express those emotions differently also may be helpful. And, reminding ourselves that some people may have developed a more expansive vocabulary to describe their emotions than have other people, that does not mean that their emotional maturity is less than or better than ours. It’s just different.

Compassion for others requires that we lean in and try to understand where another person is coming from. Compassion asks us to be curious about another person’s experience. It does not mean that we feel sorry for another person or compare that person’s experience to our own. Compassion means that we believe another person’s telling of their experience and respect their experience as their own. Compassion does not engage in comparison with another person’s experience. Compassion requires us to honor another person’s experience.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

Pity is not the same as compassion

Stop wishing things were different

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We seem to be living in a world where, for many people, things seem a bit upside down. Many people are struggling with today’s social and political climates, with global warming, the economy, and with everyday stresses and anxieties stemming from our jobs, families and perhaps even friends. Many people seem to be wishing things were different.

I get it. But what happens to our minds, our bodies and our mental health when we keep wishing things were different? What likely is happening is that our stress and anxieties are increasing, leaving us feeling both emotionally and physically exhausted. Wishing things were different not only robs us of the opportunity to accept things as they are, but also speaks to our desire for and total lack of control over external forces. When we are wishing things were different, what we really are saying is that we wish we had control over what other people think, say or do. We are saying we wish we had control over things that are, in actuality, well beyond our control.

Anxiety is borne, in part, when we stress over things we really cannot control. Wishing things were different heightens our anxiety because we are faced with the reality that we cannot control what other people think, say or do. Furthermore, wishing things were different can keep us stuck in the past, leaving us ruminating over things we or other people have said, done or thought. Just as we have no control over what other people think, say or do, we similarly have no control—no power—to go back and change what we or others may have said or done in the past. Stop wishing things were different.

When we stop wishing things were different, we empower ourselves to really consider what we can control. We also give ourselves permission to stop fighting and accept that things just are the way they are. That is not to say that we must resign ourselves to accept situations or relationships that are emotionally or physically unsafe. Nor does accepting the way things are mean that we cannot work toward making the future better for ourselves and others. When we stop wishing things were different, we take back our power and remind ourselves of what we really can control, namely what we think, say or do.

When you get right down to it, we really have control over just one thing, and that is ourselves. We can choose how we want to respond to external stimuli. We can choose how we want to respond to what others say. We can choose how we want to respond to what others do. We can choose to remind ourselves that we really have no control over what others think. When we stop wishing things were different, we empower ourselves to make better choices about how we want to respond to external stimuli.

Is it time for you to stop wishing things were different? Is it time for you to stop and think about what you really can and cannot control? Is it time for you to step back into your power and choose how you want to respond to other people, to external stimuli? Stop wishing things were different and take back your power.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

Stop wishing things were different

Why our words matter … it’s not just semantics

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I have noticed in the past few weeks that many people seem to have difficulty describing what they are thinking and feeling. It seems as though many people struggle to put the right words to their emotional experiences. This has made me think about the words we use to describe our feelings and emotions, and how important it is to use the right words.

It seems as though many people use certain words interchangeably. And, while that may work in some instances, it might not for all instances. Yes, some words have perfectly acceptable synonyms, but others don’t often really fit the bill. And in order to really convey what one is experiencing emotionally so that we feel seen, heard and understood, it is important that we use the right words.

What does this mean, and how can we expand our emotional vocabulary? There are several ways to do so, including using the internet to find a list of words that can be used to describe our emotions. A good therapist also could provide a feelings wheel, which offers a decent range of emotional vocabulary words. There also are some good books out there that can help you use your feeling words to more accurately describe your experience. One that comes to mind is Brene Brown’s “Atlas of the Heart.”

When we fail to use the right words to describe what it is we are thinking or feeling, we may end up feeling as though whomever it is we are sharing with does not really understand us, leaving us feeling unheard. This can lead to an avalanche of feelings such as anger, resentment, disappointment or disconnection. So, when we are trying to explain what it is we are feeling, it might be helpful to think about what we really are experiencing so we can accurately convey to another person our experience.

For example, if we are feeling frustrated by a situation at work or home, but we say we are mad, it might be helpful to think about that “mad” feeling a little more. It might be helpful to go beyond that “mad” feeling to find a more descriptive word for our experience. Is the feeling scared? Betrayed? Rejected? Afraid? Disappointed? What really is going on?

The more we practice using more descriptive words to share our feelings, the more likely it could be that we leave a conversation feeling seen, heard and understood. That does, though, require us to really consider what it is we are feeling. That in itself may require us to slow down, think about our experience and find the right words to describe it.

Words matter. If during an exchange with someone, I feel myself getting tense, my chest tightens and my face reddens, and all I can come up with is the word “angry,” that might not be the best, most accurate descriptor of my feelings in that situation. Maybe what I really am feeling is embarrassed or hurt or uneducated on a topic. It really does matter that we use the right words to describe our experience. Otherwise, the other person could have a hard time responding properly to the feeling that is being shared. And that can leave the speaker, us, feeling unheard and invalidated.

Choose your words carefully. Give yourself a moment or two to really consider what you are feeling and try to find the words that most accurately describe that feeling. Doing so will give you and your listener an opportunity to forge a deeper, more meaningful connection.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

Why our words matter … it’s not just semantics

How do you handle frustration?

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It seems that more and more, many people are finding themselves feeling frustrated more and more often with more and more things, people, and situations. What leads to this very normal feeling and how are we supposed to manage that feeling?

According to the Oxford dictionary, the word “frustrated” means feeling or expressing distress and annoyance, especially because of inability to change or achieve something. Which, for many people means feeling out of control due in part to expectations. This can leave folks feeling powerless, disappointed, angry and/or stuck. But how do we manage this feeling of frustration? When we set our expectations so high that either we or others cannot reach them, we may be left feeling frustrated or disappointed. When it feels as though a situation is out of our control or isn’t going our way, we may be left feeling frustrated or angry. This feeling of frustration is normal, but for some can cause distress.

One way to manage feelings of frustration is to really think about what we do and do not have control over. What is within our locus of control? One exercise that may help with this is to take a writing utensil and outline your opposite hand with it. Inside that hand, write down what you know you really and honestly have control over, such as yourself and the way you choose to respond to things. Outside the hand, write down all the things you do not have control over, such as other people and the way they think or behave. Sometimes, seeing a visual representation of what we really have control over helps calm us, reminding us that so many things are outside of our control but what we can control is our behavior, reactions and responses to whatever or whomever is frustrating us.

Another way to manage feelings of frustration is to notice where in your body you notice that feeling. What physical sensations come up for you when you are feeling frustrated? Do you notice a tightening in your stomach, chest or face? Do you notice a warmth growing throughout your body? Do you notice your hands or jaw clenching? Can you soothe that feeling by taking a few long, slow deep breaths? Can you go for a short walk or run? Can you listen to some calming music? Can you take a few minutes to meditate?

Most people feel frustrated from time to time. When that happens, it may behoove us to simply consider why we are feeling frustrated. What is it about this person, event or situation that is leaving us feeling frustrated? Is something happening to leave you feeling as though your boundaries are not being respected? Does that leave open the possibility to having a conversation with someone about those boundaries? Is something happening that is leaving you feeling powerless? Does that mean you need to do something healthy so that you feel empowered?

When we give ourselves permission to really think about our feelings, notice where they reside in our bodies and take steps to soothe those feelings, we can go about our business with a better sense of calm and peace. Feelings of frustration sometimes can lead us down the rabbit hole of unhealthy venting, which sometimes can fuel the flames of frustration, leaving us feeling even more frustrated. Taking the time to self-soothe and really consider why we are feeling frustrated can help calm us.

Feeling frustrated happens with most people. What is that feeling of frustration telling you? Can you give yourself permission to slow down and examine that feeling, where it resides in your body and respond to what your body is telling you? Can you take a few calming breaths or otherwise self-soothe? Do you need to take steps to address the underlying feeling of disappointment or powerlessness by setting healthy boundaries? Can you walk or run it out? Addressing the feeling of frustration quickly in healthy ways can help dissipate that feeling before it grows and leads to unhealthy venting. How can you address your feelings of frustration?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

How do you handle frustration?

What is your anxiety telling you?

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From time to time, most people notice feeling anxious. In the United States alone, some 40 million people live with anxiety at any given time. Many people, though, often do not quite understand that their anxiety is trying to tell them.

How do we know when we’re feeling anxious? We may notice that our heart seems to be beating faster, that we feel nauseous or faint or lightheaded. We may notice that we start to perspire. We may notice that we are feeling out of control.

Anxiety can stem from many things, including work, family, friends, driving, flying or the possibility of health concerns. Anxiety tells us that there is something to be feared, or that we are in a dangerous situation. More often than not, though, what we are facing is less dangerous than it is uncomfortable. It might behoove you to remember that discomfort does not necessarily mean danger. Anxiety tries to convince us that that presentation we have to give is dangerous or that that mammogram we have to have will tell us we have cancer or that our plane will crash on the way to Italy. Are these things possible? Perhaps. Are these things likely? Perhaps not.

The thing about anxiety is that it tells us that if we worry enough about these things, we can somehow control the outcome. Anxiety tells us that we can somehow control the future or what other people think, say or do. Anxiety tells us that if we do this, that or the other thing, we can assert some control over what happens next. The fact of the matter is, though, that we have little to no control over the future or other people, in large part because people are often unpredictable.

When we try to control the future by performing certain behaviors or acts, what we are trying to do is rid ourselves of the worry about the future. If instead we try to remember what we really do have control over—what we think, say or do—we may start to feel a bit less anxious.

How do we manage symptoms of anxiety or approach situations with less anxiety. One of the ways to manage those pesky symptoms of anxiety is to remember to breathe. Oftentimes, when we feel anxious we may notice that we are holding our breath or breathing shallowly. If we give ourselves permission to slow down, take a few deep breaths that are longer on the exhale than the inhale, we can slow down our central nervous system and get out of fight or flight mode and start to feel less anxious. We also can remind ourselves to really look at the situation before us. Is it really dangerous or is it uncomfortable? This may require us to pause for a few moments and really get in touch with that feeling of anxiety, and that is okay.

Another way to manage symptoms of anxiety is to create some space and distance between us and that feeling of anxiety. If we say to ourselves, “Oh, I’m so anxious!” what likely will happen is that we will start to feel more anxious because we are identifying with that feeling of anxiety. If instead we say, “Oh, I notice that I am feeling anxious,” we create some distance between us and that feeling of anxiety. We start to feel less anxious.

Anxiety is like other feelings, and what feelings do is provide us with information about certain situations. It may do well to listen to your body and tend to your body’s needs. Is your anxiety leaving you feeling nauseous? Lightheaded? As though your heart is beating faster? These symptoms may be telling you that you need to take a breath. If we listen to our bodies, they will tell us what we need.

Millions of people on this planet live with anxiety. Most of us will feel anxious from time to time. That is normal. Anxiety provides information about the situation we are facing. That feeling of anxiety, like all feelings, provides data, information. If we can give ourselves permission to slow down, breathe, and really assess the situation, we may find that what we are facing really is more uncomfortable than it is dangerous. We may also realize that while we can control what we think, say or do, we largely haven’t much control over other people, the future, or certain outcomes.

What steps can you take to address your anxiety? Would it help to practice deep breathing? Do you need to speak to a trusted other or mental health professional? Do you need to pause and think about what you really do have control over? Do you need to remind yourself that anxiety is just a feeling that likely will pass? You have the power to manage your symptoms of anxiety.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

What is your anxiety telling you?

Is it time to spring clean your mind?

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For many people, spring can be a season of renewal. Many people approach this new season with hopes of spring cleaning their homes, decluttering and making their spaces tidy and comfortable to live in. But, can this also be a time to spring clean your mind?

What could it look, sound and feel like to do a little spring cleaning of the mind?

For starters, it could look like replacing some of your negative self-talk with positive self-talk. This could take the form of thought stopping, or literally saying “stop” when we notice ourselves going down the rabbit hole of negative self-talk or self-shaming talk. This also could mean practicing positive self-affirmations, whether that is in our minds or out loud so our brains can hear. Remember that your brain is listening to everything you say to yourself, all day, every day, so it is important to speak kindly to yourself.

Spring cleaning the mind also could mean ridding ourselves of all the negativity that we encounter on social media. Maybe that means whittling down your friends list to include only those people with whom you have a real connection, or cutting out those folks who engage in negativity. For some, that may mean a social media detox of anything from a few days to a few weeks, to a few months or even forever. For some people, a social media detox can mean setting a time limit for consumption, be it just a few minutes to an hour. Taking a break from social media can help us reset and regroup, and really think about who and what is important to us.

For some people, a spring cleaning of the mind can mean abandoning unrealistic or perfectionistic goals. Maybe this means rethinking what some of your goals are, really giving some thought to what is and what is not feasible given your current situation. Maybe that means giving some thought to what it is you really want to accomplish, and setting small goals along the way to that one big goal. This also can include some self-compassion, particularly if you found a goal to be impossible to reach at this stage in life.

A good mental spring cleaning also could mean letting go of the need to be everything and everywhere for people who either unwilling or unable to reciprocate. Maybe that means setting healthy boundaries with the people in your life. Maybe that means saying “no” to the things and people who no longer bring you joy. Setting boundaries is an act of self-love and is in no way selfish. Boundaries teach others how to respect us. This also could mean asking for help with caregiving, specific tasks or chores around the house or yard. Asking for help takes more courage than does suffering in silence.

Spring can be a time of renewal for many people. In addition to noticing flowers start to bloom, perhaps this can be a time to offer your mind a chance to bloom into healthy thoughts and actions. Letting go of unrealistic goals and expectations of and for yourself and others is a beautiful way to embrace the new season. Offering yourself a chance to really think about who and what is important in your life can make transitioning into this new season a time of real renewal. What might you be able to do to spring clean your mind?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

Is it time to spring clean your mind?

What does it mean to practice gratitude?

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It seems as though the season of gratitude is upon us, though many people seem to be struggling to find things for which they are grateful. This is understandable, given the current state of the world. Still, if we take the time to look, there remains much to be grateful for.

With Thanksgiving being celebrated in the United States and other places just a few days from now, many people find that they are seeking things for which to express gratitude. Yes, given the state of the world, that can feel challenging. That may mean looking a little harder for things we are grateful for, or perhaps looking a little closer to home.

What does it mean to practice gratitude anyway, and why should we attempt to do so? Well, with everything going on in the world, taking the time to practice gratitude for what is good can leave us feeling less hopeless and helpless, less despair and less depressed. How do we practice gratitude when it seems as though the world has turned upside down. Well, I encourage you to start small.

I often encourage people struggling to practice gratitude to find three small things that are good, that made them smile during the day, or brought them some measure of pleasure. We do not have to think that we can only practice gratitude when we find a zillion dollars at the end of a double rainbow (which likely won’t happen, but maybe you found a penny on the ground). We can practice gratitude for the small things, like our morning beverage, and drill down on that.

For example, today I find myself grateful for my morning coffee, which I shared over conversation with my husband. I am grateful for the electricity I used to brew my coffee and the fact that I have regular, running water to make my coffee. I can practice gratitude for the people who grew my coffee beans and for whomever ground and bagged those beans, and for whomever manufactured my cup. Again, we don’t have to practice gratitude for the big stuff, we can do it for the little stuff, the stuff we sometimes take for granted.

We also can practice gratitude for the people in our lives … even those who think differently than we do or who live differently than we do. With many people gathering later this week around the table for their annual Thanksgiving feast, there are many things for which we can practice gratitude. Even Uncle Mike, whose politics may be different than ours.

Why practice gratitude in the first place? What good will come of it? There is some evidence that those who do practice gratitude on a regular basis are happier and healthier. Some people argue that gratitude is the birthplace of joy and that it’s not happy people who are grateful but grateful people who are happy. Some people find it helpful to write down at some point during the day (maybe over that morning beverage), three things for which they are grateful. Again, it doesn’t have to be three big things like you won a huge promotion with an obscene pay raise. Maybe it’s just that you have the ability to work.

We have 24 hours in a day during which we can find all sorts of things to practice gratitude for. When we do, we may find that our outlook on life may improve even just a little bit, we may feel happier. And when we are happier, we are healthier. Maybe we practice gratitude for that.

What are three things you can express gratitude for today? This week? This Thanksgiving? Who or what made you smile, or even laugh? Where did you find pleasure? What surprised you in a good way? Practice gratitude for that.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

What does it mean to practice gratitude?

When the world seems to be spinning out of control, what are we to do?

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Election season is upon us in the United States, leaving many people feeling concerned, frightened, fearful for the future and as though the country is coming apart at the seams. Couple that with climate disasters such as hurricanes, flooding and drought, as well as shootings and violence that seemingly occur on a daily basis, and many people may be feeling as though the world is spinning out of control.

These things, as well as a plethora of others, may leave us feeling as though we haven’t control over much of anything at all. Yes, we can do our part and vote our consciences on or before Election Day. Yes, we can take steps to reduce our carbon footprint and maybe make a small dent in combating climate change. Yes, we can be peaceful citizens and avoid violent confrontations with others. But much of what is happening in the world is well beyond our control. How do we come to terms with what is within and what is outside of our control?

One of the things we can do is recognize that what we do have control over largely is the being reading these words. We can control what we say and do, how we act and behave toward ourselves and others. We can to some extent control what we think and how we share those thoughts and with whom. Other things, though, are likely outside of our locus of control.

We can control how we choose to respond to the goings-on in the world, in our country, in our neighborhoods and communities. We can control how we choose to respond by giving ourselves permission to slow down and think about our next steps. We can control how we choose to respond to things by giving ourselves permission to be kind and compassionate toward ourselves and others. And we can remember that we have little to no control over what others think, say or do. Do we want to respond to whatever is happening with anger, verbal or physical violence? Or do we want to respond with grace and compassion?

Offering ourselves compassion and kindness for our sometimes challenging feelings regarding all that is transpiring around us can help us offer that same compassion to others. It behooves us to remember that while others may think and feel differently about politics, climate change, the Chicago Bears, that does not mean that their thoughts and feelings are invalid. They’re just different. And we can agree to disagree, peacefully, and move on to other subjects of discussion.

If we choose to disagree on a certain topic of discussion, perhaps that means setting healthy boundaries with others, be it friends, family members, colleagues. Healthy boundaries can be agreed upon amongst people, and can be held with compassion. Boundaries teach others how to respect us, and tell others what we will and will not tolerate.

Yes, it may seem as though the world has become unglued. Yes, you may experience challenging feelings about everything that is going on. What are those feelings telling you, about yourself, your values, the things and people you hold near and dear? Check in with yourself. Offer yourself grace and compassion so you can do so freely with others. And, set and enforce healthy boundaries.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

When the world seems to be spinning out of control, what are we to do?