And so it seems, Christmas and New Year’s are upon us. It all seems to have happened so suddenly. And sometimes with the holidays, for me and countless others, comes a bit of grief. Many of us are particularly impacted at this time of year having had lost those we loved. My own mother died two days before Christmas in 2012. The holidays never will be the same for me. Perhaps something similar is true for you, as well.

There are ways to manage your feelings of grief during the holidays. One thing to remember is that we do not necessarily move on from grief, we move through it. We grow through it. Grief is a process and we all move through it not just in our own way, but at our own pace and in our own time. There is no “right” way to grieve and there is no timetable on grief.

Managing grief through the holiday season can mean different things to different people. Perhaps you are grieving the loss of a loved one, but more deeply perhaps you are grieving the loss of a relationship you wish you had had with that loved one, something deeper and more connected than that which you actually experienced. Give yourself permission to accept that that person did the best they can with what they had, that they offered you the love the could give, in his or her own way.

Sometimes managing grief through the holiday season can mean you allow yourself to honor the person you lost in ways that are special only to you. Perhaps it means lighting a candle for that person on the day he or she passed. Perhaps it means wearing your loved one’s favorite color during the holidays. Perhaps it means listening to your loved one’s favorite music. Perhaps it means enjoying your loved one’s favorite food or meal on Christmas or New Year’s Eve. Give yourself permission to honor your loved one in a way you feel appropriate.

Navigating the holidays when also experiencing grief may mean taking a break from attending gatherings where you might be reminded of your loved one. It could mean spending more or less time with other family members. You are allowed to do what is best for you at this time. You are allowed to grieve in your own way, with or without other people around you. Sometimes we need to grieve alone, we need time alone to simply remember our lost loved one. Perhaps we need time alone simply to cry. And that is okay. There is nothing wrong with spending time by yourself for yourself.

The holiday season can be a challenging time of year for anyone who has lost a loved one, regardless of how long ago that person passed. Remember to be kind to yourself at this time of year. Try to remember the good times you had with your loved one and the feelings those times evoked.

For some, the loss is more complicated. Perhaps the relationship you had with your loved one was tumultuous, even abusive. That does not mean you are not grieving the loss of that person. Perhaps more so you are grieving the hope that that relationship could have been any different. There still is loss there, and it is okay to be hurting because of that. Perhaps this time of year means spending more time with the people with whom you have secure relationships. Perhaps this time of year means spending more time with the people who make you feel whole, who nourish your soul. And that, too, is okay.

However you grieve, as long as it does not hurt another person, is the right way to grieve … for you. No one has the right to tell you to “get over it.” No one has the right to tell you to “move on.” You grieve in your own time. In your own way. At your own pace.

 

 

 

We all have known that person, the person who you have been friends with for years, maybe decades. You have known that person intimately, shared conversations, feelings, secrets. You thought that person understood you. But over time, your friendship has become lopsided. Over the years, you hear less and less from him or her unless he or she needs something from you. The deep and meaningful conversations you once had have disappeared. He or she no longer shares with you. These days, it seems, that person only talks to you when he or she wants something from you, be it money or transportation or help with a project. You may be feeling as though you are doing all the work to maintain your friendship. You may feel you always are the one making the trip to see your friend while your friend rarely, if ever, comes to you. Your friendship has become one-sided, with you giving and giving and giving and him taking and taking and taking.

What to do about such a friendship? You may still value that person for what he or she once meant to you. You may be clinging to the hope that your friendship can return to what it once was. But, somewhere in the recesses of your heart and brain, you know something has changed. Something is missing in the relationship, something you fear you likely never will get back.

There are options when dealing with a one-sided relationship. If you think your friend will be responsive, you can talk to your friend and tell him or her how you are feeling, that you miss the connection you once had. Perhaps the two of you can work things out if you can summon the courage to be vulnerable and share your feelings about what the relationship has become. You may be able to reach some kind of agreement that both you and she can meet somewhere in the middle, with your friend sharing more. You could encourage your friend to reach out to you just to talk and reconnect. You could ask your friend to make a trip to come visit you. You could go out for coffee and make sure he pays his fair share.

Or, you could terminate the friendship. Yes, letting go of someone who once meant so much to you is difficult. But, perhaps, this may be for the best. It is not easy ending a friendship but if that relationship has become more trouble than it is worth emotionally or financially, it may be time to do just that.

With the start of a new decade now just days away, perhaps it is time to take stock of your relationships. If you are feeling drained emotionally and financially, if you are feeling taken advantage of, if you are feeling exhausted because of certain relationships, maybe it is time to move on from those relationships that have left you feeling not only as though you are doing all the work but that you have nothing left to give. Perhaps the start of a new decade can mean new friendships for you, ones that leave you feeling fulfilled emotionally and connected on a personal level. Do you not deserve that? Don’t you deserve to be with people who nourish your soul? Don’t you deserve to be with people who make you feel whole?

 

 

 

Winter can be a difficult time for many people, but especially those who live with Seasonal Affective Disorder. This time of year can mean more than just dealing with the winter doldrums and a yearning for sunshine and warmer temperatures. For many people, the symptoms of depression and anxiety worsen during the winter months.

For those who find the winter profoundly depressing, it is important to remember to practice good self-care. Sometimes, remembering what it was like to be a kid playing in the snow can help. Other times, it might be good to escape to a nearby conservatory for some warmth and greenery.

Here’s a short list of ideas you might find helpful to manage the winter months:

• Wrap yourself up with a cozy blanket, a cup of hot chocolate and a good book.

• Light a fire in the fireplace and simply gaze into the fire.

• Listen to a favorite Christmas CD.

• Pop up some popcorn and watch a beloved Christmas special or movie.

• Drive or walk around and look at holiday light displays in your neighborhood.

• Give yourself a holiday-themed manicure or pedicure.

• Make yourself a mug of tea and simply watch the snow fall.

• Put on some relaxing music and practice yoga or other indoor exercise.

• Bundle up and take a walk through the snow either by yourself or with a loved one. Remember what it was like to be a kid playing in the snow.

• Make a snow fort and have a snowball fight with your family. Follow it with mugs of steaming hot cocoa.

• Build a snow man complete with eyes, nose, arms and scarf.

• Visit the Oak Park Conservatory or Garfield Conservatory (Garfield is free!).

• Bake some Christmas cookies for yourself, a friend or deliver them to a homeless shelter.

• Remember to stay hydrated.

• Take up a winter sport such as skiing, snow shoeing or snowboarding.

Taking care of yourself during winter is important, especially for those who struggle with this season. It always is good to remember, too, that winter will come to an end, the flowers will bloom again and the sun will shine.

 

I was reading something yesterday about listening to one’s inner critic and started to wonder how many of us have harsh inner voices that tell us we are not good enough, do not try hard enough, are not thin enough, pretty enough or smart enough? How many of us let that inner critic actually keep us from trying because we have for years heard that we are failures?

Our inner critics can be our worst enemies, or they can become our best friends. So often, though, we let those harsh inner critics keep us from becoming the people we always were meant to be. We listen to that voice inside our heads telling us we messed up that job interview, we could have studied harder for that test, we could have done better with that presentation. We let that inner critic tell us we are not good enough at whatever it is we try to do. What we may have trouble remembering is that try is all we can do, that mistakes are proof that we are trying. You only fail if you do not try, so go ahead and make mistakes because that is how you learn to do something better the next time.

Sometimes, our inner critic is so harsh it prevents us from trying anything at all. That voice can sometimes tell us that if we cannot do something perfectly, why do it at all? But if we leave no room for failure, we leave no room for growth. And if we leave no room for growth, how can we become the people we always were meant to be?

How do you silence your harsh inner critic? Start by listening to that other voice in your head, the one that is your cheerleader. If you feel like you bombed that job interview, try to look at it as a learning experience. Maybe you were stumped by a question. Next time you will know how to answer something similar. If you feel like you did not perform well on a test, next time you may know where to focus your attention while studying. If you became nervous during a presentation and flubbed some lines, next time you will know to practice a little more. Give yourself credit for learning how to do something better. Give yourself permission to learn from your mistakes.

Your inner voice can be a cheerleader for you if you allow yourself the chance to learn from your mistakes so that you can do something better next time. As with all things, this takes practice. Allow yourself time to master listening to your cheerleader instead of your harsh inner critic. Allow yourself the opportunity to become good at this. Allow yourself to make mistakes.

It is that time of year when we often find ourselves rushing about, heading here and there, running around doing errands and then finding ourselves exhausted both physically and emotionally. In these times, it can be easy to focus on the negatives that happen throughout the day instead of the positives. We can experience nine good things during our days and one bad thing, like heavy traffic, and focus on that one bad thing and then milk that one thing for the rest of the day.

How do you change your negative thoughts to positive? One way is to be grateful for those nine good things that happened for you during the day and brush off that one bad thing. Another is to challenge that negative thought with some serious reality testing. Was the traffic really that bad or was it typical for the holiday season? When we try to challenge our negative thoughts by fact-testing them, often we find things are not as bad as we may have made them out to be. Another way to challenge your negative thoughts is to move away from being judgemental. When we judge others, we come not from a place of love but from a place in our hearts, minds and souls that need healing.

Challenging negative thoughts takes practice, as with everything else, but the more you do it the more you may find yourself finding the good in situations. With some cognitive behavioral therapy, we can help change our negative thinking to positive. Challenge your negative thoughts and try to think of an alternative way of thinking. What is the lesson you learned from a particular experience or situation? How did you grow from that experience? What did you learn to do differently should something similar crop up in the future? These are the positive aspects of what happened to you. If you can try to focus on those things, it may be easier to move away from negative thinking.

It can be easy to focus on the negative when the holiday season starts taking a toll on us emotionally and physically. The more you try to see the positive in your experiences, the less you will be plagued with negative thinking. Yes, traffic may be heavy but you still will get from Point A to Point B. Enjoy the journey and you are halfway there.

If you find yourself bogged down by negative thinking and are having difficulty finding your way out of it, reach out to a therapist or counselor. It is perfectly okay to admit you need help changing the way you think so you can enjoy the holiday season or any time of year. It takes more courage to reach out for help than it does to stay stuck where you are unhappy.

 

 

 

With Thanksgiving now upon us and the holiday season under way, it seems a good time to think about gratitude. This time of year tends to remind people to be thankful for the good in their lives, their friends and family, their jobs and homes. We are reminded at this time of year to reflect on our blessings.

For some people, this comes naturally. For others, though, this can be a bit of a challenge if they have been stuck in a pattern of negative thinking. Negative thinking can skew one’s perspective, making it difficult to find joy in anything or to be thankful for the bounty in one’s life. For those who live with negative thinking, I suggest a gratitude journal or ending the day by thinking of three good things for which you are grateful. Those three things do not have to be big things; they can be little things that brought you joy.  Perhaps your coffee was particularly good this morning … be grateful for that. Perhaps your hair turned out great today … be grateful for that. Perhaps the sun is shining … be grateful for that. Perhaps you received a text from a friend … be grateful for that. The more you practice gratitude for the small things, the more grateful, and thus, happy, you will be in your life. Gratitude is the birthplace of joy.

If you need help to find things for which to be grateful, perhaps these questions may help:

• Who was kind to you today?

• What did you enjoy doing today?

• Who helped you out today?

• What did you learn today?

• Who made you smile today?

• What was your favorite taste, smell, touch, sight or sound from today?

• What do you like about your neighborhood?

• Who thanked you today?

• Who loves you?

Answering these questions may help you find the positives in your day and help you find things for which you can be grateful. The more you look for the good things, the more good things you will find. It takes practice, but seeking out the positives in your life can help you feel more content. Not every day may be good, but there usually is good in every day. Some days, you just might have to look a little bit harder.

 

 

 

It seems as though the holiday season starts earlier and earlier every year. Just running to the mall yesterday to pick up something, I spied Christmas decorations aplenty and heard Christmas music playing over the loud speakers. The holiday season now seems to begin with Halloween. Now more than ever, it seems as though we quickly can find ourselves starting to get overwhelmed with family activities, gatherings with friends and shopping for that perfect gift for our loved ones.

It is important to remember in all the hustle and bustle of the holiday season that we need to take care of ourselves first. I understand the desire to do for others during this time of year, but try to remember that you cannot pour from an empty cup. If you do not take care of yourself, how can you possibly take care of others?

Taking good care of ourselves during this time of year can mean everything from eating right to getting enough sleep and exercising for at least 30 minutes a day to keep those endorphins firing. Taking good care of ourselves also means practicing self-care. For those who struggle with the idea of self-care, here are some ideas that you might consider:

1. Read a book or magazine for an hour.
2. Sit on the front porch wrapped in a warm blanket. Just. Sit.
3. Take a bubble bath complete with candles and calming music.
4. Pick or buy a bouquet of fresh flowers.
5. Take a leisurely walk without a destination in mind.
6. Put on a homemade face mask.
7. Give myself permission to binge watch my latest show obsession without guilt.
8. Take a nap.
9. Order in dinner.
10. Do something crafty such as painting, coloring, knitting or sewing.
11. Go to the library or bookstore. Sit in a comfy chair and read.
12. Watch funny YouTube videos.
13. Sit in the grass and watch the clouds float by.
14. Look at the stars.
15. Have a dance party to your favorite music.
16. Take a mental health day without feeling an ounce of guilt about it.
17. Burn a candle or diffuse some oils that have scents that bring you joy.
18. Sit in a coffee shop, sip on a luxurious drink and people watch.
19. Walk around the fancy grocery store without a list. Buy some stuff just for fun.
20. Try out a new hobby.
21. Practice yoga.
22. Cook breakfast for yourself before anyone else.
23. Sing at the top of your lungs. Preferably in the car and with the windows down.
24. Go for a drive without a particular destination in mind.
25. Close yourself off in a room and listen to the latest episode of your favorite podcast.
26. Have a 20 minute stretching session.
27. Go to the park and play on the playground. Be a kid again!
28. Go swimming just for fun, not exercise.
29. Plan an extravagant vacation just for fun.
30. Wear an outfit that makes you feel great, even if you have nowhere particular to go in it.
31. Declutter a spot in your house that’s been bugging you.
32. Write a list of “annoying tasks” that have been weighing on you, set a timer and knock them out in an hour.
33. Bake a dessert you love. And then eat it without guilt.
34. Watch the sun rise or set. Don’t take any pictures or post about it on social media. Just watch.
35. Have a picnic (by yourself even).
36. Go to bed early or sleep in late.
37. Research something that you’ve been interested in but haven’t had the time to dive into.
38. Edit who you follow on social media (if they don’t bring you joy, eliminate them no matter how nice, inspiring or cool they are).
39. Go to a museum: art, childrens’, history, science—whatever brings you joy that day.
40. Go to a cocktail hour at a bar and enjoy a drink.
41. Buy a fun treat for yourself at the store when you go grocery shopping. Enjoy it as a reward for feeding your family nourishing food.
42. Get a massage.
43. Spend time out in the garden.
44. Take the time to do your hair and makeup, for no other reason than it makes you feel put together.
45. Write a list of 10 things you’re grateful for and why.
46. Make myself a batch of infused water to sip throughout the day.
47. Buy yourself a new set of pens or markers.
48. Write a letter (or an e-mail) to an old friend.
49. Cook a fancy meal for no other reason than you deserve a fancy meal.
50. Say “no” to someone without explanation.

Sometimes in the midst of the holiday season, we can start to feel as though we have lost control over our own lives as we run about here and there. Self-care is how you take your power back. Self-care is not selfish; it is necessary to take care of others. Remember this holiday season to take time to take care of you and you will be better able to take care of those you love.

It has been said that when we judge others, we do so from a place in our hearts, souls and minds that is broken, that needs attention and healing. When we judge others, we sometimes criticize them for things that we find in ourselves to be loathsome.

When we find ourselves condemning substance users as “stoners,” “potheads” or “boozers,” we may be in fact judging ourselves for our own current or past substance use. When we criticize others for being overweight, we may be feeling heavy our out-of-shape ourselves. When we call someone “stupid,” we may be feeling less intelligent than others. When we call someone “lazy,” we may be feeling as though we could do more. We judge others when we ourselves are hurting.

So it seems with two young ladies I am working with. One is early in her recovery from substance use disorder and frequently calls those in her life who continue to use “potheads” and “stoners.” She herself is not yet fully healed. Another young lady I am working with frequently calls her husband, from whom she is divorcing, everything from “lazy” to “stupid.” She is hurting because of the demise of their relationship and is lashing out to protect her own feelings. She is feeling hurt and rejected.

If we try to come from a place of love for ourselves, it becomes less easy to judge others. The less harsh we are with ourselves, the less harsh we may be in thinking about or describing others. If we use with ourselves kind and loving words, it becomes easier to do so with others in our lives.  If we try to give ourselves credit for our positive attributes, it becomes easier to do so with others. And if we try to remember that others are trying to do the best they can with what they have right now, it becomes more difficult to judge them on what we may perceive as their shortcomings.

Judging others less starts with being kind and gentle with yourself. What can you do today to try to remember that everyone is doing the best they can? What can you to do today to try to be less judgemental of others in your life?

I recently started working with a young lady who lives with profound depression and is plagued with near-constant thoughts of suicide. She told me she sees no point to her life, no point to living because she cannot fathom the idea of ever being happy, of ever finding happiness.

This young lady lives with perpetual negative thinking and frequently beats herself up for making any kind of mistake. There are few things she likes about herself or her life. She does not enjoy her job but is taking college courses working toward a better career. She is in a relationship but has convinced herself her young man is ready to leave her at any moment. While he is supportive, she suspects he will tire of her. She cannot find happiness in much of anything.

She has felt this way for so long, she cannot see her way out of it. She has become comfortably uncomfortable in her depression. She asked me what is the point in trying to be happy when sadness always returns. I suggested that perhaps one has to have the dark days in order to appreciate the light. She paused for a moment and smiled at that thought.

In speaking with this young woman, she admitted that she chooses to remain sad, that she can make herself feel sadness even when she is having better days. I suggested to her that perhaps, if she can choose sadness, she can choose happiness. Another small smile came to her face. Can you choose happiness? Can you choose the way you feel? To some extent, I believe this is true. Certainly, chemical imbalances can contribute to depression. Medication can help with that. But also contributing to one’s outlook on life is the way one looks at things. If you look for darkness, certainly darkness will be there. If you look for light, light will be there. The choice is up to you.

I suggested this young lady start looking for the light by using a gratitude journal. Start by thinking of three things that happened during the day for which you are thankful. These three things do not have to be big things; they can be small things. Perhaps you enjoyed a good cup of coffee or tea in the morning. Perhaps your hair turned out just right. Perhaps the sun was shining today. Perhaps there were beautiful flowers to see on your way to work. You might not like your job, but perhaps you can be thankful for being employed. Perhaps you do not have a great car, but maybe your car gets you from Point A to Point B. Be thankful for that. Perhaps you received a text message from a friend or loved one. Be thankful for that. Practicing gratitude helps you find the good in your day and gratitude is the birthplace of joy.

Certainly, you can look for the bad in your days. That is a choice. It might take a little more effort to see the good, but with practice it will become habit and joy will return to your life. You can choose to stay comfortably uncomfortable in your sadness, or you can choose to let happiness into your life. The choice is yours.

In recent weeks, I have found myself in both my personal life and work dealing a lot with shame. Some people confuse shame with guilt. Guilt says, “I have done something bad.” Shame, on the other hand, says, “I am bad.”

But shame goes deeper. Shame says, “I am not worthy” and “I am not lovable the way I am.” Shame tells us that we are not doing enough, working enough, trying hard enough. Shame can lead us down the path of judging others. Whenever we judge others, we are coming not from love but from a place in ourselves that is not healed, a place that needs time and love and attention.

I have found myself in a bit of a shame storm this week after agreeing to participate in something that I really did not want to do. After agreeing to do this, I found myself harshly judging others at my gym, while driving about town and in other arenas. I flew into a rage about something minor and then scolded myself harshly for doing so. I was not coming from a place of love for myself. I was coming from a place of shame.

How does one navigate a shame storm? First, take a few moments to sit with what you are feeling. What is beneath the judgement and the anger. It is hurt? Is it guilt? Is it shame? Are you feeling as though you have betrayed your values? Are you feeling unworthy of love and belonging because of something you thought, did or said?

Second, tell your story to a trusted other. Make sure that person is someone who you can trust with your feelings, someone who will sit with you in your pain and not judge you. Allow yourself to be vulnerable with that person. Be careful, though, who you choose to share your story with. It is difficult to be vulnerable with someone who is hurting you, who you do not fully trust with your feelings.

Next, practice self-compassion. Allow yourself to forgive yourself for what you may have thought, said or done. If you have wronged someone and it is appropriate, apologize with changed behavior. If you have violated your values, try to determine what caused you to do so and rectify the situation. Did you agree to do something you really did not want to do? Is there a way to gracefully back out of that commitment without stepping on anyone’s toes or fracturing a valued relationship? If not, you may have to go through with your promise but in so doing, try to remember not to agree to something where your values are compromised again.

If we do not deal with shame, it will fester and tell us that we are not worthy of love. This can lead to feelings of self-hatred. Self-hatred, in turn, can lead to us judging others harshly, projecting our feelings onto others who likely do not deserve our wrath. A trained mental health professional can help you navigate your way out of shame and self-hatred. Reach out. Find someone you trust to share your story.