I recently started working with a young man who endured a very serious traumatic event and now is living with post-traumatic stress disorder, depression and anxiety as a result. The fellow is feeling as though he has lost himself because of what happened to him about a year ago and recently wondered aloud to me if he is some kind of “freak” for feeling the way he does. I tried to assure him that considering what he went through, his feelings are completely normal.

Everyone responds to traumatic events differently; there is no right or wrong way to respond to something horrible that happens to you. I told the fellow I am working with that one in five people live with mental illness and that millions of people live with depression every year. According to some statistics, some seven to eight people out of every 100 in the United States struggle with PTSD.

When the body is confronted with a traumatic event, the body engages the fight-flight-freeze response. It is something your body uses to protect you from danger. When you feel threatened physically or emotionally, the fight-flight-freeze response is automatically triggered and several feelings can arise, including increased heart rate, dizziness, shaking, racing thoughts, nausea, sweating, difficulty concentrating, rapid breathing and tensed muscles. These feelings are a normal response to danger and having one or more of these feelings does not make you a freak. Everyone will experience the fight-flight-freeze response at times to varying degrees.

Oftentimes, people who survive a traumatic event find themselves second-guessing their response to the trauma, even blaming themselves for what happened. What I try to remind people who have survived something horrible is that something bad happened to them, that does not make you bad. You are not the event that happened to you. You are a survivor, a warrior. It is not uncommon for the body to remember what happened and re-engage the fight-fight-freeze response when you encounter similar situations or reminders of the event; this is normal but the response can dissipate over time.

Working through a traumatic event can take time but by practicing coping skills like deep breathing and other relaxation techniques, the body can learn to adapt to triggers. Working with a therapist or counselor can help you navigate the feelings and emotions you are enduring because of the trauma. A therapist or counselor can help you develop coping skills that you can employ when facing reminders of the event you endured. If you have suffered a traumatic event and are finding difficulty navigating the feelings associated with it, please reach out to someone who can help. You do not have to suffer in silence. You do not have to try to recover from what happened on your own. There are people who can help you through this. There are people who care.

Yesterday, I attended the first of two seminars through my work about exposure therapy, which is indicated for people living with anxiety disorders and other mental illnesses. The treatment can help people living with anxiety disorders face their fears and come to place where they can manage the symptoms of anxiety.

One of the things that resonated with me during the seminar was the concept of want versus willing. What do you want to do versus what are you willing to try to move from mental illness to mental wellness. In learning the difference, seminar participants were challenged to do some things people do not normally do, such as eat food that was left on the floor for 30 seconds or eat food that had been placed on a toilet seat … nothing anyone really wants to do. But, are you willing to try these things to move past your fear of germs and contamination? What really is the likelihood that you will become viciously ill if you eat something that was on the floor or toilet seat? Apparently, the likelihood is very little seeing as how I am still here to write about it 24 hours later.

I frequently talk here about having to do the work of therapy, the work of recovery to move from mental illness to mental wellness. Moving away from mental illness requires more than just a wanting to be better; you have to be willing to do the work of therapy to get better. Want versus willing. What are you willing to do to find your way to wellness? Your therapist or counselor can help provide you with the tools to move toward wellness, but you must be willing to do the work of recovery not just to find wellness, but to stay well.

People sometimes come to treatment thinking their therapist or counselor will provide them the answers they are seeking, the solutions to their problems. Your therapist or counselor can help you find those answers, but you have to be willing to work with him or her to find them. You have to be willing to face your fears, sit with uncomfortable emotions and confront your demons if you hope to find wellness. Your counselor cannot simply wave a magic wand and make everything better. You have to be willing to do the work of recovery.

What keeps you from doing the work of recovery? Is it fear? Unwillingness? Are you comfortably uncomfortable in your mental illness or substance use disorder? Are you afraid of change? Comfort zones (however uncomfortable) are great places, but not only does nothing ever grow there, but those zones become smaller over time, trapping you in the fear of change. How are you willing to grow as a person to become better? What are you willing to do to free yourself of the shackles of mental illness or substance use disorders?

You hear it every day: someone making a disparaging comment about another person, someone calling another person a nasty name, someone being rude to another human being for no apparent reason. What causes this? Usually, it is us judging someone harshly for one reason or another.

When we judge another person, call that person a name out loud or even in our own minds, we cast that person in shame. And usually when we judge another, it means that there is a part of us, something in our own life, that is unhealed, something that needs tending to or mending. Sometimes the thing that needs healing is our own hurt, our own pain, something in us that is broken.

I am working with a young woman who frequently calls people in her life nasty names for using substances. This woman is recovering from her own substance use disorder but continues to abuse alcohol. She is not fully healed, which is why it is easy for her to label those in her life who continue to use names like “stoner” and “druggie.” She has not fully recovered from her own substance use disorder so is not coming from a place of love when dealing with those in her life who continue to struggle. It is easy to judge others, but perhaps in fact we are projecting our own feelings toward ourselves onto those around us.

If we try to remember that most everyone is dealing with something about which we may know little or nothing, it is considerably harder to judge others. If we come from a place of love, it is more difficult to cast others in a bad light. This is something everyone can work on, as we all likely find ourselves sometimes judging others. Instead of judging others, perhaps we can laud them for efforts made toward creating for themselves a better life. Perhaps we can offer congratulations for navigating a difficult life challenge. Perhaps we can lift someone up in good thoughts or prayer if you are so inclined instead of judging something in someone else.

When we come from a place of love, we are reminded that we, too, are flawed, perfectly imperfect creatures simply trying our best to make it through whatever struggle we are facing. Others are struggling, as well. No one’s life is perfect. We all are just trying to do our best with what we have. What can you do today to try to step away from judgement and lift others up in thought and deed?

 

 

 

 

 

 

So often in my line of work, I meet individuals or couples who want to improve their lives or relationships. People come to me seeking to relieve themselves of the emotional pain they are enduring or to find a way to reconnect to their partners. They come to me seeking answers, to find hope for a better future, to find a way to improve their lives.

What some people fail to understand is that creating a better future or improving a relationship takes work. Often, people hope that this can be done in just a few short hours, when in reality, this can take several weeks, if not months. And individuals and couples have to be willing to put in the work of therapy to find the answers they are seeking, to improve their lives and relationships. Change can happen but it usually does not come easy and it does not come without them working on their own behalf.

I have said it before and will say it again and again, therapy and recovery works if you work it. You have to be willing to put in the time and effort of therapy if you want therapy to work for you. You have to be willing to actually come to therapy, to do the homework your counselor assigns and to be willing to talk about the things that are troubling you. Anyone can come to treatment but recovery comes down to what you are willing to do to make your life and your relationships better. It isn’t just how bad you want to see something change, it comes down to what you are willing to do, what effort you are willing to put in, what you can do to improve your own life, situation or relationship.

Anyone can come to treatment and talk about the weather, sports or current affairs with their counselor, and these things can be good ice breakers to start a therapy session. But when a client spends the entire hour talking about anything and everything but himself or the couple, I begin to wonder what really is going on with that couple or person. Why do you not want to talk about yourself or your relationship? Are you not willing to work on yourself or your union? Why? Are you not really ready to commit to the work of therapy?

Finding your way to happiness, finding answers to the problems or questions that have left you feeling down is work. Recovery is work and takes daily effort and a commitment to come to therapy willing to talk about what ails you. Your counselor cannot read your mind; you actually have to share what is going on with you before problems can be solved. What are you willing to do in your therapy sessions and between visits with your counselor to improve your life and relationships?

There are very few things in this world that we alone can change. We cannot change the things that happen around us or what other people do, say or think. Oftentimes, however, people come to me wanting me to help them force a loved one or partner to change. Unfortunately, I cannot make someone change who sees no problems with his or her behavior.

The only thing I can help you with is changing yourself and you have to want to change. It was Mahatma Ghandi who said, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” Nothing changes unless you change yourself, the way you think and behave and the way you react to things and others around you.

I recently was working with a young woman who spent nearly all of our hour-long session telling me how her husband needed to change. When I asked her why she came to therapy, she said she wanted him to change. I asked her what she would like to work on and she said she wanted help making him change. That is not my role as a counselor. I can help her change her reaction to the things her husband says and does, but from where I am sitting, without him in the room being a willing participant to change, I cannot change him. I can help her become a better partner in their relationship, a better woman and wife, but I cannot make him a better husband for her.

So often, we want the people around us to change but what we must realize is that more likely than not it is we who have to change. We have to come to understand that, try as we might, we cannot change others. We can beg, plead, threaten or otherwise try to coerce others into changing but that rarely, if ever, works. People have to want to change some aspect of themselves, their thinking or their behavior. You cannot force others to change. We must have the courage to come to terms with that, otherwise we will be miserable.

Once we realize that all we can do is change our reaction to the way others behave or speak, we can become happier, healthier people. We have to have the ability to let go of the notion that we can somehow change other people. People rarely change unless or until they see an issue with the way they speak to others or behave toward others. You can point this out to people, but until that person is ready to change your efforts to change that person will be wasted. All you can do is change the way you react to that person.

So my question for you today is this: What can you to today to start on your journey toward changing yourself to become a happier, healthier person? Can you talk to someone about helping you accept that your loved one is not going to change until she or he is ready to do so? Can you learn to let go of the notion that you can change another person’s behavior? Can you try to accept the fact that you cannot change the way another person thinks? Doing so will help you find your own way to happiness.

 

 

It is interesting to me how in our society negative emotions are not tolerated. We are told to “be happy” and to “look on the bright side.” There may be nothing wrong with that advice, but I wonder sometimes if saying these things ultimately can have a detrimental effect on people. What happens if we just sit with our negative emotions for a little bit?

Sometimes in my work, I meet people who are dealing with sadness, anger, hurt, loneliness, disappointment. While it is my job to help them feel the opposite of those emotions, it also is my job to help them understand the root of those feelings. Recently, while working with a woman who recently experienced the sudden death of her beloved mother, I noticed that every time I asked her how she was dealing with her loss, she changed the subject. She did not want to sit with the feelings of grief and sadness.

Another client I am working with is experiencing profound disappointment, hurt and sadness in his marriage. He tells me he is angry that his wife does not seem to be working with him on the union but his face and eyes show sadness and hurt. When I ask him about this, he changes the subject. Few people like to confront their negative emotions, much less admit they are feeling these things. Even fewer people are willing to sit with their sadness, hurt, shame, guilt for any period of time. It is uncomfortable, even painful to do this and it takes courage not just to admit that we may be feeling negative emotions but to allow ourselves to really feel them and try to understand from where they are coming.

Some people believe there are six primary emotions: sad, mad, scared, joyful, powerful and peaceful. Each of these six have underlying, deeper feelings. For instance, beneath mad is hurt and under that can be feelings of frustration or disappointment. No one likes to feel these things, but allowing yourself to feel these emotions and try to understand from where they come can lead to healing and eventually, to feeling the opposite, positive emotions.

Allowing ourselves to sit for a few minutes with negative emotions helps us understand why we are feeling the way we do. It can be uncomfortable, yes. Many of us avoid doing so by engaging in behaviors such as self-medicating with drugs or alcohol, developing eating disorders, engaging in excessive exercise, staying constantly busy, becoming workaholics. These types of behaviors often do not permit us the time to actually feel negative emotions. These behaviors keep us from feeling anything, really. We just keep doing and when we are constantly doing, we rarely are feeling.

What happens if we allow ourselves time to just sit and feel? It takes courage to allow ourselves to sit quietly for a few moments and just be present with our emotions. One way to do this is to practice mindfulness. There are apps that can help with this. No one likes to feel negative emotions—they hurt. But by allowing ourselves to feel negative emotions, we open ourselves up to being able to feel positive emotions more fully. Doing so requires courage. What courageous steps can you take today to allow yourself to sit with what you really are feeling?

In my work, I sometimes meet couples who are in distress. They come for help for various reasons: self-esteem issues preventing intimacy, infidelity, frequent arguing.

One of the things that makes working with couples difficult is when one of the two is less invested in repairing the relationship than the other. This can make recovery from whatever issues the couple faces difficult. Something I have noticed in the couples I am working with is that sometimes, the couples do not fight fair. What I mean is, there is name-calling, holding on to past transgressions or physical abuse. None of these is healthy in any relationship. Abuse of any kind is intolerable and should be addressed immediately.

In an effort to help couples rebuild their relationships, I often remind them that no relationship, be it a marriage or long-term commitment is going to be all rainbows and roses. When two people of different backgrounds come together, more likely than not, there are going to be differences that sometimes lead to arguments. The trick is to fight fair. I offer the following tips on fair fighting:

• Before you start fighting, ask yourself why you really feel upset with your partner.

• Discuss one issue at a time.

• Do not use degrading language. No name calling.

• Express your feelings with words and take responsibility for them.

• Take turns talking. Do not interrupt your partner.

• No stonewalling.

• No yelling. Be careful of the tone of voice you use.

• Take a break from the argument if things get too heated.

• Attempt to come to some sort of compromise or understanding.

It is important to remember that relationships take work. When struggling with your partner, it can be useful to remember what drew you to that person in the first place. Maybe it was his sense of humor, her charming personality, his work ethic, her intellect. We come together for myriad reasons; try to remember why you love your partner.

I also try to encourage struggling partners to practice gratitude for their partner. Gratitude journals are helpful for individuals struggling with depression and anxiety, but also can be used to help partners see the good in their loved one. At the end of the day, write down three things your partner did for which you are grateful. Before going to bed with your partner, share those three things with your loved one. Not only does this help you see the good in your loved one, it makes your partner feel valued and appreciated

Relationships are like gardens. They require daily tending and sometimes we forget this. The more we take care of our gardens, the more our flowers bloom and flourish. Relationships are like this, as well. What can you do today to tend to your relationship?

 

In my work, I frequently meet people struggling with low self-esteem, shame and perfectionism. Some people I meet live with a combination of these things and helping them understand how to come to love themselves can be difficult.

When low self-esteem, shame and perfectionism come together to undermine one’s love of self, finding your way back to loving yourself can seem daunting, sometimes impossible. Shame and perfectionism often stem from low self-esteem and the three work together to create a sort of Catch-22. Perfectionism often leads to shame and feeds low self-esteem when we realize we cannot achieve perfection. What we sometimes have trouble remembering, though, is that perfection usually is unattainable. What we sometimes have trouble remembering is that we do not have to be perfect to be amazing creatures worthy of love and belonging. We are perfectly imperfect and that is good enough.

When perfectionism, shame and low self-esteem undermine our love of self it is important to remember that we are worthy of love and belonging simply for being human. It is our imperfections, our quirks, that make us lovable. When struggling with low self-esteem, it can be difficult to remember that, though. But think about your family and friends for a moment. They likely love you because you, like them, are flawed human beings. None of us is perfect. We are loved despite our imperfections. And we likely love our family and friends because of their imperfections.

If we love others because of or despite their imperfections, why can we not love ourselves because of our own imperfections? Unconditional love of others begins with love of self. We forgive imperfections in our family and friends, so must we forgive our own. We must learn to love ourselves because we are perfectly imperfect. We must learn to love our quirks just as we love the quirks of our family and friends.

Love of self can be difficult to attain, but the more we embrace our imperfections as things that make us human, the more we can love ourselves. Love of self is not selfish; love of self is imperative in order to fully love others. If we do not love ourselves for the flawed creatures that we are, how can we love others?

 

Today is the day we celebrate mothers, but for some people Mother’s Day can be extremely difficult. For those who have lost their mothers, those who had or have strained relationships with their mothers, those who yearn to be mothers but are not, this day can be hard to navigate.

When celebrating this day, it is important to remember that not everyone still has a living mother and that not every woman is a mother. Instead of saying, “Happy Mother’s Day” to every woman you meet, perhaps instead consider saying simply, “Enjoy your day.”

So many people I know already have lost their mothers and this day can be bittersweet. For those of us who have lost our mothers, try to remember the good times you shared with your mom.

For those who yearned to be mothers, but for reasons that are extremely personal, cannot be, this day can be very painful. Try to remember those who wished to become mothers with love and understanding. Those who are childless may have desperately wanted children and seeing you and your mother together today can be hard for these women.

Many children have had strained relationships with their mothers and celebrating on this day may not be an option. For some people, the relationship they have with their mother is complicated. Their relationships with their mothers may have been abusive, remember this when you offer your holiday greetings.

For those of you whose mothers still are living and with whom you have a good relationship, I hope you enjoy your day. Remember how lucky you are to be with your mother on this day and every day.

 

 

 

 

It is a sad but true fact of life that we will lose people we love. Grandparents, parents, spouses and friends will pass away. Their deaths will leave us feeling sad, empty, alone. We will grieve their losses for days, weeks, months, sometimes years.

Last week, I was working with two clients who recently had lost loved ones. One fellow lost his sister to suicide while a young lady found her father had died of a heart attack in the family home. Both losses are tragic and left my clients feeling raw sadness and profound grief. The young lady had found her father passed away after coming home from school one day just after Thanksgiving 2018. The fellow had lost his sister to suicide just days ago. Both were grieving. I encouraged each client to take time to navigate the grief process. There is no timetable on grief.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler believed there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These stages are not linear and there is no time limit on how long each stage should be experienced. Those who have lost loved ones may move through one stage only to return to another time and again before finally coming to terms with their loved one’s death. Again, there is no time limit on the stages of grief.

The young lady who lost her father told me that her mother was encouraging her to move on from her father’s death, to accept that he is no longer with her. That may have been mom’s way of trying to help, but the young lady needed to grieve in her own time and in her own way. There is no right way to grieve. Grief is very personal and we should be allowed to grieve the way we need to and for however long is necessary.

If grief becomes so overwhelming that you cannot function, there is help available. If you need someone to talk to to help process your grief, there are people who are willing and who want to help. There also are exercises that may be helpful in processing your grief. One such exercise is to write a good-bye letter to your loved one. Doing so may help you say to your loved one things you did not get an opportunity to say in person. You can send the letter to heaven, if you believe in that, by tying it to a balloon and releasing it into the air.

When we lose loved ones, we likely will feel the gamut of emotions, everything from sadness to anger or even relief. We must give ourselves permission to feel and to grieve in our own time. There is no right way to grieve, nor is there a time limit on grief. Grieve in your own time.