So often in my line of work, I meet individuals or couples who want to improve their lives or relationships. People come to me seeking to relieve themselves of the emotional pain they are enduring or to find a way to reconnect to their partners. They come to me seeking answers, to find hope for a better future, to find a way to improve their lives.

What some people fail to understand is that creating a better future or improving a relationship takes work. Often, people hope that this can be done in just a few short hours, when in reality, this can take several weeks, if not months. And individuals and couples have to be willing to put in the work of therapy to find the answers they are seeking, to improve their lives and relationships. Change can happen but it usually does not come easy and it does not come without them working on their own behalf.

I have said it before and will say it again and again, therapy and recovery works if you work it. You have to be willing to put in the time and effort of therapy if you want therapy to work for you. You have to be willing to actually come to therapy, to do the homework your counselor assigns and to be willing to talk about the things that are troubling you. Anyone can come to treatment but recovery comes down to what you are willing to do to make your life and your relationships better. It isn’t just how bad you want to see something change, it comes down to what you are willing to do, what effort you are willing to put in, what you can do to improve your own life, situation or relationship.

Anyone can come to treatment and talk about the weather, sports or current affairs with their counselor, and these things can be good ice breakers to start a therapy session. But when a client spends the entire hour talking about anything and everything but himself or the couple, I begin to wonder what really is going on with that couple or person. Why do you not want to talk about yourself or your relationship? Are you not willing to work on yourself or your union? Why? Are you not really ready to commit to the work of therapy?

Finding your way to happiness, finding answers to the problems or questions that have left you feeling down is work. Recovery is work and takes daily effort and a commitment to come to therapy willing to talk about what ails you. Your counselor cannot read your mind; you actually have to share what is going on with you before problems can be solved. What are you willing to do in your therapy sessions and between visits with your counselor to improve your life and relationships?

There are very few things in this world that we alone can change. We cannot change the things that happen around us or what other people do, say or think. Oftentimes, however, people come to me wanting me to help them force a loved one or partner to change. Unfortunately, I cannot make someone change who sees no problems with his or her behavior.

The only thing I can help you with is changing yourself and you have to want to change. It was Mahatma Ghandi who said, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” Nothing changes unless you change yourself, the way you think and behave and the way you react to things and others around you.

I recently was working with a young woman who spent nearly all of our hour-long session telling me how her husband needed to change. When I asked her why she came to therapy, she said she wanted him to change. I asked her what she would like to work on and she said she wanted help making him change. That is not my role as a counselor. I can help her change her reaction to the things her husband says and does, but from where I am sitting, without him in the room being a willing participant to change, I cannot change him. I can help her become a better partner in their relationship, a better woman and wife, but I cannot make him a better husband for her.

So often, we want the people around us to change but what we must realize is that more likely than not it is we who have to change. We have to come to understand that, try as we might, we cannot change others. We can beg, plead, threaten or otherwise try to coerce others into changing but that rarely, if ever, works. People have to want to change some aspect of themselves, their thinking or their behavior. You cannot force others to change. We must have the courage to come to terms with that, otherwise we will be miserable.

Once we realize that all we can do is change our reaction to the way others behave or speak, we can become happier, healthier people. We have to have the ability to let go of the notion that we can somehow change other people. People rarely change unless or until they see an issue with the way they speak to others or behave toward others. You can point this out to people, but until that person is ready to change your efforts to change that person will be wasted. All you can do is change the way you react to that person.

So my question for you today is this: What can you to today to start on your journey toward changing yourself to become a happier, healthier person? Can you talk to someone about helping you accept that your loved one is not going to change until she or he is ready to do so? Can you learn to let go of the notion that you can change another person’s behavior? Can you try to accept the fact that you cannot change the way another person thinks? Doing so will help you find your own way to happiness.

 

 

It is interesting to me how in our society negative emotions are not tolerated. We are told to “be happy” and to “look on the bright side.” There may be nothing wrong with that advice, but I wonder sometimes if saying these things ultimately can have a detrimental effect on people. What happens if we just sit with our negative emotions for a little bit?

Sometimes in my work, I meet people who are dealing with sadness, anger, hurt, loneliness, disappointment. While it is my job to help them feel the opposite of those emotions, it also is my job to help them understand the root of those feelings. Recently, while working with a woman who recently experienced the sudden death of her beloved mother, I noticed that every time I asked her how she was dealing with her loss, she changed the subject. She did not want to sit with the feelings of grief and sadness.

Another client I am working with is experiencing profound disappointment, hurt and sadness in his marriage. He tells me he is angry that his wife does not seem to be working with him on the union but his face and eyes show sadness and hurt. When I ask him about this, he changes the subject. Few people like to confront their negative emotions, much less admit they are feeling these things. Even fewer people are willing to sit with their sadness, hurt, shame, guilt for any period of time. It is uncomfortable, even painful to do this and it takes courage not just to admit that we may be feeling negative emotions but to allow ourselves to really feel them and try to understand from where they are coming.

Some people believe there are six primary emotions: sad, mad, scared, joyful, powerful and peaceful. Each of these six have underlying, deeper feelings. For instance, beneath mad is hurt and under that can be feelings of frustration or disappointment. No one likes to feel these things, but allowing yourself to feel these emotions and try to understand from where they come can lead to healing and eventually, to feeling the opposite, positive emotions.

Allowing ourselves to sit for a few minutes with negative emotions helps us understand why we are feeling the way we do. It can be uncomfortable, yes. Many of us avoid doing so by engaging in behaviors such as self-medicating with drugs or alcohol, developing eating disorders, engaging in excessive exercise, staying constantly busy, becoming workaholics. These types of behaviors often do not permit us the time to actually feel negative emotions. These behaviors keep us from feeling anything, really. We just keep doing and when we are constantly doing, we rarely are feeling.

What happens if we allow ourselves time to just sit and feel? It takes courage to allow ourselves to sit quietly for a few moments and just be present with our emotions. One way to do this is to practice mindfulness. There are apps that can help with this. No one likes to feel negative emotions—they hurt. But by allowing ourselves to feel negative emotions, we open ourselves up to being able to feel positive emotions more fully. Doing so requires courage. What courageous steps can you take today to allow yourself to sit with what you really are feeling?

In my work, I sometimes meet couples who are in distress. They come for help for various reasons: self-esteem issues preventing intimacy, infidelity, frequent arguing.

One of the things that makes working with couples difficult is when one of the two is less invested in repairing the relationship than the other. This can make recovery from whatever issues the couple faces difficult. Something I have noticed in the couples I am working with is that sometimes, the couples do not fight fair. What I mean is, there is name-calling, holding on to past transgressions or physical abuse. None of these is healthy in any relationship. Abuse of any kind is intolerable and should be addressed immediately.

In an effort to help couples rebuild their relationships, I often remind them that no relationship, be it a marriage or long-term commitment is going to be all rainbows and roses. When two people of different backgrounds come together, more likely than not, there are going to be differences that sometimes lead to arguments. The trick is to fight fair. I offer the following tips on fair fighting:

• Before you start fighting, ask yourself why you really feel upset with your partner.

• Discuss one issue at a time.

• Do not use degrading language. No name calling.

• Express your feelings with words and take responsibility for them.

• Take turns talking. Do not interrupt your partner.

• No stonewalling.

• No yelling. Be careful of the tone of voice you use.

• Take a break from the argument if things get too heated.

• Attempt to come to some sort of compromise or understanding.

It is important to remember that relationships take work. When struggling with your partner, it can be useful to remember what drew you to that person in the first place. Maybe it was his sense of humor, her charming personality, his work ethic, her intellect. We come together for myriad reasons; try to remember why you love your partner.

I also try to encourage struggling partners to practice gratitude for their partner. Gratitude journals are helpful for individuals struggling with depression and anxiety, but also can be used to help partners see the good in their loved one. At the end of the day, write down three things your partner did for which you are grateful. Before going to bed with your partner, share those three things with your loved one. Not only does this help you see the good in your loved one, it makes your partner feel valued and appreciated

Relationships are like gardens. They require daily tending and sometimes we forget this. The more we take care of our gardens, the more our flowers bloom and flourish. Relationships are like this, as well. What can you do today to tend to your relationship?

 

In my work, I frequently meet people struggling with low self-esteem, shame and perfectionism. Some people I meet live with a combination of these things and helping them understand how to come to love themselves can be difficult.

When low self-esteem, shame and perfectionism come together to undermine one’s love of self, finding your way back to loving yourself can seem daunting, sometimes impossible. Shame and perfectionism often stem from low self-esteem and the three work together to create a sort of Catch-22. Perfectionism often leads to shame and feeds low self-esteem when we realize we cannot achieve perfection. What we sometimes have trouble remembering, though, is that perfection usually is unattainable. What we sometimes have trouble remembering is that we do not have to be perfect to be amazing creatures worthy of love and belonging. We are perfectly imperfect and that is good enough.

When perfectionism, shame and low self-esteem undermine our love of self it is important to remember that we are worthy of love and belonging simply for being human. It is our imperfections, our quirks, that make us lovable. When struggling with low self-esteem, it can be difficult to remember that, though. But think about your family and friends for a moment. They likely love you because you, like them, are flawed human beings. None of us is perfect. We are loved despite our imperfections. And we likely love our family and friends because of their imperfections.

If we love others because of or despite their imperfections, why can we not love ourselves because of our own imperfections? Unconditional love of others begins with love of self. We forgive imperfections in our family and friends, so must we forgive our own. We must learn to love ourselves because we are perfectly imperfect. We must learn to love our quirks just as we love the quirks of our family and friends.

Love of self can be difficult to attain, but the more we embrace our imperfections as things that make us human, the more we can love ourselves. Love of self is not selfish; love of self is imperative in order to fully love others. If we do not love ourselves for the flawed creatures that we are, how can we love others?

 

Today is the day we celebrate mothers, but for some people Mother’s Day can be extremely difficult. For those who have lost their mothers, those who had or have strained relationships with their mothers, those who yearn to be mothers but are not, this day can be hard to navigate.

When celebrating this day, it is important to remember that not everyone still has a living mother and that not every woman is a mother. Instead of saying, “Happy Mother’s Day” to every woman you meet, perhaps instead consider saying simply, “Enjoy your day.”

So many people I know already have lost their mothers and this day can be bittersweet. For those of us who have lost our mothers, try to remember the good times you shared with your mom.

For those who yearned to be mothers, but for reasons that are extremely personal, cannot be, this day can be very painful. Try to remember those who wished to become mothers with love and understanding. Those who are childless may have desperately wanted children and seeing you and your mother together today can be hard for these women.

Many children have had strained relationships with their mothers and celebrating on this day may not be an option. For some people, the relationship they have with their mother is complicated. Their relationships with their mothers may have been abusive, remember this when you offer your holiday greetings.

For those of you whose mothers still are living and with whom you have a good relationship, I hope you enjoy your day. Remember how lucky you are to be with your mother on this day and every day.

 

 

 

 

It is a sad but true fact of life that we will lose people we love. Grandparents, parents, spouses and friends will pass away. Their deaths will leave us feeling sad, empty, alone. We will grieve their losses for days, weeks, months, sometimes years.

Last week, I was working with two clients who recently had lost loved ones. One fellow lost his sister to suicide while a young lady found her father had died of a heart attack in the family home. Both losses are tragic and left my clients feeling raw sadness and profound grief. The young lady had found her father passed away after coming home from school one day just after Thanksgiving 2018. The fellow had lost his sister to suicide just days ago. Both were grieving. I encouraged each client to take time to navigate the grief process. There is no timetable on grief.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler believed there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These stages are not linear and there is no time limit on how long each stage should be experienced. Those who have lost loved ones may move through one stage only to return to another time and again before finally coming to terms with their loved one’s death. Again, there is no time limit on the stages of grief.

The young lady who lost her father told me that her mother was encouraging her to move on from her father’s death, to accept that he is no longer with her. That may have been mom’s way of trying to help, but the young lady needed to grieve in her own time and in her own way. There is no right way to grieve. Grief is very personal and we should be allowed to grieve the way we need to and for however long is necessary.

If grief becomes so overwhelming that you cannot function, there is help available. If you need someone to talk to to help process your grief, there are people who are willing and who want to help. There also are exercises that may be helpful in processing your grief. One such exercise is to write a good-bye letter to your loved one. Doing so may help you say to your loved one things you did not get an opportunity to say in person. You can send the letter to heaven, if you believe in that, by tying it to a balloon and releasing it into the air.

When we lose loved ones, we likely will feel the gamut of emotions, everything from sadness to anger or even relief. We must give ourselves permission to feel and to grieve in our own time. There is no right way to grieve, nor is there a time limit on grief. Grieve in your own time.

Recently, I met with a client who, at the end our session, said she enjoyed our time together because I “give off good vibes.” I certainly was happy to hear that as I would hate to come off as judgemental or uncaring. I hope to come off as positive, thoughtful and understanding.

This got me to thinking about something I frequently say to myself and others. That is, “Think positive, be positive.” I frequently urge my clients to practice positive affirmations if their self-esteem is lagging. But what happens when we practice those positive affirmations and they actually make us feel worse? There comes a point when thinking positive can become toxic when we truly do not believe what we are saying to ourselves. Those positive affirmations can actually make us feel worse if we truly do not believe them. Perhaps there needs to be a middle ground between constantly thinking positive and accepting that not everything is going to go our way. There needs to be a, shall we say, happy medium.

It can be said that there is a silver lining in every cloud, but sometimes it takes more effort to see that glimmer of shining hope. And that is okay. Our minds cannot be positive in every situation, but as someone dear to me frequently says, something good usually comes out of something bad. The art of being positive lies not in believing that every situation is good, but in believing that we will be good regardless of the situation. That puts the power of remaining positive within us instead of the situation, which may in fact be bad. That means we believe in ourselves enough to know we can weather any storm.

We can admit to ourselves that a situation is not to our liking but know that regardless, we will come out victorious. Even if we fail in a situation, we can make a conscious effort to learn from our mistake or failure and come out of that situation victoriously. We still will have learned something about ourselves and how to proceed differently should that or a similar situation confront us again.

Being positive does not have to mean putting on our happy face every minute of every day. That simply is not realistic. Being positive means knowing that whatever we are confronted with, we will survive. And so far our survival rate is 100 percent. So far, we are doing pretty good. Perhaps staying positive means we have to cut ourselves a break from time to time.

Not every situation with which we are confronted is going to be good, but if we can remember that we can emerge from most situations as the victor, we can weather most storms. Certainly, some storms will knock us down. The power in positivity remains in knowing that even if we are knocked down, we can and will get up.

Today’s weather, a near-blizzard in early spring, reminds me this morning that nothing, not even anything in nature, is perfect. In early April, we Chicagoans expect the grass to be turning greener, flowers to be blooming, robins to be singing. The snow today reminds me not to expect anything, as expectation is the root of all heartache.

In remembering that nothing is perfect, I am reminded of a client with whom I was working yesterday who is constantly striving for perfection and admitted that doing so has left her perpetually feeling disappointed, depressed and anxious. She was telling me how she constantly is working to learn more, work more, do more for friends, family and home. She was telling me that striving to be perfect in everything she does has left her feeling drained and completely exhausted. I asked her what would happen if she were not perfect in all she does. Would she be any less deserving of love and belonging? She thought for a moment and then slowly shook her head “no.”

There is nothing wrong with striving to do your best at work and in your relationships, but no one should expect you to be perfect. Perfection is unattainable. Perfection is boring. We are not loved because we are perfect. We are loved because we are perfectly imperfect. It is our imperfections that make us human. No one is perfect, yet we so often expect ourselves to be perfect. We sometimes demand too much of ourselves. All we can do is out best, and that is enough.

In striving to do more, be more, to do everything perfectly, we set ourselves up for failure. We cannot be perfect in all we do. Striving for perfection is, in a way, a form of self-sabotage. Do those of us who strive for perfection think we will be more worthy if we attain the unattainable? What does it mean if we do not reach perfection? Can we learn to love ourselves even though we are not perfect? Can we accept ourselves as the wonderfully made, beautifully flawed creatures that we are?

I am not suggesting that we strive for mediocrity. Absolutely, try to do your best for you and for others, but remember that nothing in life is perfect. Doing more, working more, will not make you perfect. We were not born to be human doings, we were born to be human beings and human beings are not perfect. We never were meant to be.

What can yo do today to show yourself some love simply for being human, for being wonderful and flawed and still worthy of love and belonging? What would happen if you just loved yourself for simply being human?

I recently spoke with someone who said he is tired of feeling sick and tired all the time but did not know what to do to change his life. I suggested perhaps starting therapy and he said he did not want to have to drive very far to get help. I understand that. The last thing you want to do when getting out of bed is the most you are capable of is drive far to see a therapist.

However, if you want to change your life, you must take steps to change it. Change does not come for free, nor does it happen through wishful thinking. What are you willing to do to improve your own life? Are you ready to do the work of therapy to become the person you always were meant to be and live the life that you deserve?

I have said it before and will continue to say so: Recovery is work and it requires daily effort. In order for you to live your best life, you must be the thing that changes. More often than not, the things around you do not change. You must take steps to change yourself and your life. What are you prepared to do? What are you willing to do?

Recovery often involves more than simply talking to a therapist or counselor. Oftentimes, recovery means meeting with a primary care physician or psychiatrist to discuss how medication might be employed in your wellness plan. Perhaps you also need to change your diet and start incorporating physical activity into your recovery. Mental wellness and physical wellness are tied together. What are you willing to do to improve your life?

Many people who come to therapy think their therapist or counselor will give them the answers they seek. We can help you find the answers, but more often than not, the answers are inside you. Let’s work on finding those answers together. What can you do to help find the answers? Your life is entirely up to you but we can help you build the life you deserve. What are you willing to do?

If you are sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, there are steps you can take to feel better about yourself and your life. Reach out. There are people who are willing and able to help you. Take small steps to improve your diet. Speak with your doctor about starting an exercise program. And ask yourself: What am I willing to do to improve my own life?