In my work, I encounter many people living with depression, anxiety, substance use, eating disorders and trauma. So many of the people I have the pleasure of meeting struggle with feelings of sadness, worthlessness, anger and anxiety. What often keeps them stuck in those feelings is them holding on to things that have happened in the past.

I have met so many people who hold on to feelings of sadness and anger about things that happened yesterday, days ago, weeks ago, even years ago. More often than not, these are things that they no longer can do anything about. It is time to let those things go. Why hold onto something that happened so long ago unless there is something you can do about it today, now in this moment? Why let yesterday ruin your today?

When you allow the past to have control over your now, you give power to things over which you no longer have control. The only things you have control over now are those things that currently are happening. The only thing you have control over is the way you react to the things that are happening now. And you have the power to control how you react to things, people and situations that are happening right now. Why waste your time and emotional energy on something that happened in the past?

You have the power to own your now, to own your today. What can you do with your today to ensure your happiness? Can you let go of the things that happened yesterday, a week ago, a year ago, a decade ago? Can you focus your energy on creating for yourself the best today you can imagine? You deserve a life full of happiness, but you have to work toward creating that happiness. Holding onto something that happened yesterday will only keep you stuck in the feelings of yesterday. Feelings are temporary and situations can change in a heartbeat. Focus on what is happening now, in this moment, and own your today.

In my work, I meet a lot of children who have, for lack of better terms, become addicted to their devices, be they telephones, tablets or video games or televisions in their bedrooms. I recently met one young man who admitted to playing video games for five hours after school every day. His mother had become concerned because her son was playing video games instead of completing homework and now was falling behind in school.

I actually see this kind of thing quite often. I must confess, I am not a parent. However, it seems to me that many parents these days allow their children to use devices at ever younger ages. Whether that is good or bad, I am not sure. What does seem troublesome though, is the amount of time per day children are allowed to use these devices. I am seeing children being permitted to use these devices for hours upon hours per day. The use of telephones, tablets, video games and televisions can become addictions even in children. Parents, you have the right to limit the amount of time your children use these items. In fact, you should be doing so. No child should be using any of these sorts of devices for four or five hours per day.

What I see often in my work is parents who have allowed their children to use these devices for hours upon hours and now the child has become addicted to their use and the parent now is concerned. Once this happens, the parents try to take these devices away from the child and the child throws a tantrum, sometimes actually becoming violent toward the parents. This is unacceptable. Parents, you have the right to set boundaries with your children and to enforce time away from these devices. Chances are, you are paying for your child’s telephone or tablet, you have paid for the television in your child’s room and you have paid for your child’s video game console. You have every right to set time limits on their usage.

If you are having trouble setting limits and boundaries with your children, perhaps it is time to consider parenting skills classes. You must remember that you are the adult in the parent-child relationship and your child will come to respect you more if you are consistent in enforcing time limits and boundaries with them when it comes to the devices they use.

In my line of work, I often encourage people to think positively, to find the good in situations, to say “yes” to new adventures. I also sometimes must remind myself and my patients that is is perfectly okay to say “no” to things as well.

Saying “no” to things that we no longer enjoy, to people who cause us tremendous amounts of stress, to situations that put us in danger means we are setting healthy boundaries. We have every right to limit our time with people who tax us, to situations that endanger us and to things that no longer bring us joy.

Setting boundaries is a way to practice self-care. Sometimes setting boundaries means telling people we cannot accommodate their requests or perform favors for them. Sometimes setting boundaries means limiting the time we spend with people who tax us emotionally. We do not have to spend undue amounts of time with emotional vampires. We have the right to say “no.”

Saying “no” means standing up for yourself but doing so can feel as though we are hurting another person’s feelings. What we must remember is that we are responsible for our own feelings, not others’ feelings. We cannot control how others respond to our setting boundaries. We can only remember that we have the right to do so.

Saying “no” sometimes takes practice, particularly if we tend to be people pleasers. However, the more we say “no” to the things and people who no longer bring us joy, the easier it will be set healthy boundaries. And the more we set healthy boundaries, the better our mental health becomes. You are under no obligation to say “yes” to everything and everyone. You have the right to say “no” without apology.

This past week, I had the pleasure of working with two women struggling with anorexia and the terrifying thoughts of gaining weight and being fat. Both women were restricting their caloric intake,  one by limiting her intake primarily to alcohol and the other by not eating or drinking anything at all for the past three weeks. I felt for both women as they struggled with their illness.

What so many people do not understand about eating disorders is that anorexia, bulimia and even binge eating disorder are not always about food. These illnesses often are about control and feeling worthy of love and belonging. Anorexia may begin as a diet, a way to control one’s weight but devolves into issues of control over one’s life.

Some 30 million Americans, including 10 million men, struggle with eating disorders. For so many people, these illnesses take over one’s life, these illnesses become them and people can struggle for years, even decades, with these illnesses. Some people live with anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder for so long, they truly cannot remember how to live without their eating disorder. They do not remember what they were like before food took over their lives. The eating disorder becomes them.

So often, though, the eating disorder becomes less about food and more about control. Eating anything for those struggling with anorexia can feel like losing control. Some area of their lives feels out of control and it feels as though the only way to gain control is to limit food intake and they become good at it. People living with anorexia often are perfectionists and become perfect at counting calories and losing weight. People living with anorexia or bulimia often feel as though they do not deserve to eat anything unless they have exercised for hours beforehand and plan to exercise for hours after consuming even scant amounts of food. People living with anorexia often feel as though they do not deserve to nourish their bodies, much less their hearts and souls because of messages they have received, because of repeated rejection by people they love and hope to love them in return. These eating disorders become less about the food and more about feelings of worthiness. People living with these eating disorders often feel they are not worthy of love, even love given to themselves. Eating disorders often are about shame and self-loathing.

Trying to maneuver one’s way out of an eating disorder takes time and effort and is terribly frightening. Recovery can feel like losing control over the one thing—food—one thought one had control over. Recovery actually is about recognizing the fact that you are worthy of love and belonging. Recovery is actually about recognizing the fact that you deserve your own love and once you begin to love yourself, everything else falls into place.

Recovery from eating disorders means taking back your control, taking back your power. For months, years, decades you have given food your power. Now is the time to take back that power. Recovery from eating disorders means loving yourself enough to nourish your body and soul. Do you not deserve to nourish yourself? Do you not deserve the love you likely freely give others? Do you not deserve a life that is both healthy and happy?

 

 

 

 

I recently had the pleasure of speaking with a young man who voiced frustration with what he perceived as a lack of effort by his mental health providers in helping him find his way to wellness. This fellow lives with mental illness and substance use disorder and was not finding the relief he seemed to want. The patient said that his providers were not giving him the answers to his problems. He wanted the providers to make him better.

To some extent, it is partially my job as a mental health professional to help make the people who come to me better. I hope to provide my patients with the tools they need to find their way from mental illness to mental wellness. Unfortunately, I do not have a magic want to make all my patients’ troubles disappear. There is no magic pill to make my patients suddenly better. Recovery takes time and effort and persistence. The fellow I met recently stated that the would leave his provider if progress were not made rapidly enough. What he failed to understand is that while as provider, I can help make you better, it takes effort on behalf of the patient to actually get better.

People living with mental illness, substance use, trauma and eating disorders just want to feel better. No one wants to live in the fog of depression, the fear of anxiety. No one wants to live with the albatross of substance use hanging around his neck. No one truly wants to be plagued with an eating disorder. These illnesses are exhausting and often debilitating. Finding your way out of these illnesses takes work, it takes commitment. We as mental health professionals can give you tools and resources to help find your way out of illness, but you as the patient actually have to put in the work to get there and stay there. We cannot do the work for you, and that is what this young man wanted me to do. I wish it were that easy.

Finding your way out of mental illness and substance use requires change, but changing your therapist or counselor every time the work of recovery becomes difficult will not make the process any easier. What so many people living with mental illness and substance use do not like to hear is that the change you likely are seeking starts and continues with you. You can change your surroundings, you can move, change jobs, change your friends, but if you do not change yourself and change your thinking, nothing really changes. You are the thing that has to change. And changing yourself does not come without effort, often repeated daily even once you find recovery.

Recovery is work. It does not come from wishful thinking. Recovery does not come from just wanting to be well. Recovery comes after taking the steps necessary to change yourself and your own life. Recovery takes daily effort, often with the help of a therapist or counselor and psychiatrist. Recovery takes time. It is not just about wanting to be well, it is about what you are willing to do to get well and stay well. How can you work with your treatment provider to find your way to wellness? What are you willing to change about yourself to find your way out of the darkness and into the light of being healthy?

I read a wonderful piece on TedX this morning about the narratives we grow up with and then tell ourselves as we grow into ourselves. So many of the things we have internalized and accepted as our truths are the things we thought we heard about ourselves growing up. When we are young and our brains still are forming, we tend to believe the worst about us rather than the best. We believe the things that tell us we are not good enough, smart enough, thin enough, pretty enough. Those are the lies we keep telling ourselves.

These lies we tell ourselves ultimately become the foundation on which we base our lives. These lies we tell ourselves become the foundation on which we begin writing our own narrative. Maybe it is time to change the story. What if instead of thinking we are not good enough, smart enough, thin enough or pretty enough, we start telling ourselves we are good enough. We are brilliant. We are perfectly shaped. We are beautiful.

We do not have to keep telling ourselves the same stories that keep us stuck in the quagmire of depression and anxiety. We can choose to start writing a new story, a new narrative for ourselves that will help propel us to a brighter future, a better, healthier life. The negatives we grew up with likely are not true. What are your positive attributes? What are your strengths? Look at those and lift yourself up. You cannot go back and write a new beginning to your story, but you can change course and write a new ending. You are the creator of your own life. You are the author of your own story. Do not let the tales of your past stop you from creating for yourself the life you not only have dreamed of but the life you fully deserve.

Changing the way you think about yourself can mean the difference between a life stuck in the quagmire of depression, anxiety, substance use and eating disorders and a life full of health and happiness. You deserve to be free of the albatross of mental illness. You deserve a life free of substance use. You deserve a life free of the specter of eating disorders.

It takes practice, but repeating to yourself positive affirmations can help you move away from the negative story you have been telling yourself. Tell yourself you deserve better. Tell yourself you are worthy of love and belonging simply because you are human. Tell yourself you are brilliant and beautiful and strong.

You are so much more than the negative story you grew up believing. It is time to believe in yourself, to look at yourself with love and write for yourself a story that makes you happy. It is time for you to change the narrative.

Recently, I have noticed a distinct change in the way I have been thinking and how it has affected my life. For years, I have struggled with the negative thought patterns often associated with depression and anxiety and have found that my thinking has taken a definite downward spiral. This has affected everything from the way I think about myself to the way I think about others and life in general.

I am reminded that in order to live a positive, happy and healthy life, one must change one’s thinking. Think positive, be positive. That does not mean that every minute of every day is going to be wonderful. It does mean that if you look for the positive in things, there likely is an upside to everything. Your life is about as good as you decide it is going to be. If you look for the silver lining, there is bound to be one. The way you think profoundly affects everything.

In an effort to regain my positive attitude toward life, I have taken to seeking out motivational quotes and readings to inspire me to think more positively. I have only been doing this for a week, but must confess it is helping tremendously. Perhaps you might benefit from the same if you are struggling with negative thinking.

What I had forgotten of late is that even on our worst days, our lives likely are not all that bad. Everything that comes to us from the universe is meant to help us learn more about ourselves and help us become better people … the people we were always meant to be. Trials and tribulations confront us to help us learn what our strengths are so that we can draw from them in the future when things get rough. Life is our greatest lesson, our best teacher.

When stuck in the muck of negative thinking, it can be difficult to reframe your thoughts to see the good in situations. I am trying to remember that even when things seem bad, there is good to be found and that there always is something to be grateful for. Gratitude is the birthplace of joy. How you look at things, how you interpret life’s daily challenges dictates how you perceive your life, yourself and others around you. Would you not rather see the good in things and lead a more positive life than dwell on the negative? What can you do today to improve your outlook on life? What steps can you take to change the way your think about yourself and your life?

 

As 2018 comes to a close, I am reminded of a challenge posed to me to practice self-love for the 12 days of Christmas. I must confess, I have trouble with this.

So many people equate self-love with being selfish. This is not true. Self-love means taking care of yourself so that you can better take care of those you love. But how do we practice self-love, especially after days, weeks, months, years of negative self-talk and not taking care of ourselves first?

One of the hardest things to do is to try to change our negative self-talk into positive self-talk. We call ourselves nasty names. We put ourselves down for failing to perform or succeed on a particular task. We are our own worst critics. Instead of speaking badly to yourself, try patting yourself on the back for persevering on a task. Try instead of calling yourselves nasty names, call yourself “darling.” Instead of criticizing your appearance, try focusing on the parts of your body you love and compliment yourself for those parts.

Self-love means taking care of yourself. What can you to for yourself today to take care of yourself and your emotional health? Can you listen to your favorite podcast? Can you listen to some music you find inspiring? Can you get outside for 30 or 60 minutes? Could you watch your favorite movie or pick up your favorite book? Could you eke out time to color, draw or paint? Find something you enjoy and make a few minutes or so to do that. The better you take care of yourself, the easier it will be to take care of others.

With the new year nearly upon us, now is the time to rid yourself of the things that made you unhappy in 2018 and years past. The new year offers 365 chances to create for yourself a life you are happy living. Every day is a day to welcome new opportunities to love yourself for the wonderfully created person you are. What can you do in 2019 to become the person you always were meant to be?

Recently, I was reminded how people living with high-functioning depression and anxiety, substance use disorders and eating disorders can find themselves feeling profoundly lonely and alone.

So often, people living with mental illnesses of any kind can find themselves feeling alone in their sickness. People living with these illnesses often feel as though not only do they not deserve love because of their illness, they feel completely isolated and alone in their sickness. People living with mental illness and substance use disorders often feel unlovable and often tend to isolate themselves because of those feelings rather than reaching out when they need company or help managing their symptoms.

What if instead of isolating yourself and withdrawing even more into the darkness of your illness, you reached out and said to a friend or family member, “Hey, I’m not doing so good today. Do you have time to talk?” It takes more courage to seek help than it does to suffer in silence.

What if instead of trying to navigate the deep waters of loneliness all by yourself, you stepped up appointments with your therapist or counselor to help you realize there are people who care about you and want to see you happy? A therapist or counselor can help arm you with tools to help you manage your symptoms. There is no shame in seeking assistance managing your illness.

There may be times when it is difficult to connect with others, when family or friends do not have time to talk. What to do then? This is the time to practice self-care and embrace your alone time. Try to find things that you enjoy doing on your own and learn to enjoy your own company. Take yourself out to dinner. Go see a move you want to see. Go for a long run or walk. Schedule a massage or manicure. Once you learn to love your own company, fending off feelings of loneliness becomes easier.

Everyone experiences feelings of loneliness from time to time. The trick to navigating these feelings is remember that there are people who care about you just a phone call or text away. And if you find yourself with no one to communicate at the moment, try to do something just for you that will help you manage those feelings. There is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself and making yourself feel better about your situation. If you need to, make an appointment with a therapist or counselor. We can help you remember that even when you are alone, you are worthy of love and belonging and that there always are people who care about you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It is that time of year again … running from here to there, searching for the perfect holiday gifts for family and friends, going to parties, baking cookies and other delectable treats, writing out Christmas cards. ‘Tis the season for giving to and doing for those we love. In all the hustle and bustle of the holidays,  it is important to remember to take time to take care of ourselves.

Finding the time to practice self-care can be difficult at any time of year but especially so during the holidays. Still, with everything we are trying to do for others, it is important not to forget ourselves. You have to take care of yourself if you hope to take care of others. You cannot pour from an empty cup.

What can you do during this busy season to take care of yourself? First of all, remember what makes you happy and try to find the time to do that, even if it is just for a short time. Do you enjoy exercise? Reading? Getting a manicure or massage? Do you enjoy listening to music or dancing? Do you enjoy art, woodworking or crafts? Try to fit in some time to take care of you.

The holidays can become overwhelming if we fail to take care of ourselves. We so often find ourselves trying to make the season perfect for those around us and we sometimes fail to take care of ourselves in doing so, leaving us both physically and emotionally exhausted. Now might be the perfect time to squeeze in an appointment with your therapist or counselor. Check in with yourself …. how are you feeling? How are you holding up during the holidays? Make time to take care of you and taking care of everyone else will be easier and more rewarding.