Tomorrow marks Independence Day in the United States and while it may not feel like it for many people considering recent rulings by the Supreme Court, there still is much we can do to celebrate our remaining freedoms.

When we think about independence and freedom, different things come up for different people. Merriam-Webster defines independence as “the quality or state of being independent.” This can mean any number of things from personal independence to societal independence, political independence, religious independence and so on. I am more curious about what independence means for you.

I am working with several clients who seem to find it difficult to do things on their own, largely because of a fear of how they will be perceived by others. Some people find themselves feeling anxious going to the movies, for a cup of coffee or out to dinner by themselves because they are fearful that others will perceive them negatively. What if the opposite were true? What if instead people viewed you as strong, empowered and brave? What if instead people viewed you as courageous and independent?

How many of us hold ourselves back by believing we can’t do things on our own? How many of us find ourselves feeling pangs of regret because we convinced ourselves that we could not possibly do this, that or the other thing by ourselves? How many of us have repeatedly told ourselves that we cannot go here or there without someone else and then felt sad that we missed out on what could have been a beautiful adventure? What if the only thing holding you back from realizing how strong you are is you?

I understand that doing something on your own or going somewhere by yourself can sometimes be a bit frightening, but nothing ever grows in our comfort zones. If you want to be a strong, independent person you have to embrace risk, even if that means risking embarrassment, which is a temporary feeling. If you want to be a strong, independent person, you have to take steps to overcome your fear of what others may be thinking of you. Likely more than not, most people are not thinking of you in any negative way.

What steps might you be able to take to assert your own independence this 4th of July holiday? Could you take yourself to see some fireworks? Could you go to your community swimming pool by yourself? Could you go your town’s parade on your own? Could you take yourself out for ice cream? There is nothing wrong with enjoying the company of others. There is something to be said, though, for finding your courage and doing things on your own. I suspect that doing so will help you gain not just a sense of independence, but a sense of power.

Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

I have been thinking about shame recently and how that has played a role not just in my life, but in the lives of clients and loved ones. As someone who still struggles with occasional self-shaming and as someone who hears and bears witness to others’ self-shaming, I know the destructive nature of this behavior and the profound effect it can have on people. I am reminded on a near daily basis that you cannot shame yourself into self-love.

It seems as though many people believe that beating ourselves up can improve performance or somehow enhance us, but such is not the case. There is a difference between showing tough love and beating ourselves up. Tough love can sound like inspiration or motivation. Beating ourselves up sounds like denigration and leads to feelings of unworthiness. This is self-shaming.

Self-shaming sounds like calling ourselves derogatory names. It sounds like yelling at ourselves for perceived mistakes or wrong doings. Self-shaming sounds like the opposite of self-compassion. Self-shaming rarely, if ever, leads to self-love.

When we think about shame, we often find ourselves feeling a certain way. Shame is that little voice inside us that says we are not good enough, pretty enough, handsome enough, smart enough, thin enough … enough of anything. Shame tells us we ARE not enough. It is different from guilt, which tells us we have done something bad. Shame can be the result of internalizing guilt to the point of making ourselves feel as though we are unworthy of the forgiveness of others and the forgiveness of ourselves. Shame leaves us feeling as though we are unworthy of love and belonging both from others and from ourselves.

When we shame ourselves for simply being human, we create for ourselves a broken record of self-defeating thoughts, which can lead to negative self-talk and behaviors which perpetuate those thoughts and that all leaves us feeling as though we are not good enough. So, how do we counteract all that? It starts with recognizing that we as humans are perfectly imperfect beings who sometimes learn by making mistakes and who are worthy of love and belonging simply because we exist. Countering self-shaming is dependent upon the way we talk to ourselves and by practicing self-compassion.

Self-compassion is a crucial component of self-love. It is challenging to offer others compassion if we cannot offer ourselves compassion. Self-compassion sounds like giving ourselves credit for doing the best we can with what we have right now. Self-compassion sounds like celebrating our accomplishments and victories, no matter how small or big. Self-compassion sounds like being kind and gentle with ourselves. Offering ourselves compassion is not selfish. It is necessary to move away from self-shaming.

When we think about self-love, many people seem to think that that is selfish, that somehow offering ourselves the same love we give freely to others somehow is to be frowned upon. This could not be further from the truth. In fact, the opposite is true. It can be challenging to freely love and accept others as the perfectly imperfect beings that they are if we cannot freely love and accept ourselves first.

It took me years to change the sound of my internal monologue, that one that beat myself up for even the smallest mistake or misdeed. But the more I practiced countering those self-shaming and self-defeating statements with self-compassion and loving statements, the better I started feeling not just about myself but about my entire life. What steps might you be able to take to counter your self-shaming statements? What would those statements sound like? I encourage you to notice and reflect on how you feel after even just a few days of practicing saying loving things to yourself. My suspicion is that you will notice feeling better about yourself and your life.

Brene Brown offers a great TEDTalk about shame and you can find it here: https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

Many of us from time to time find ourselves feeling either as though we have failed at something, or worse, that we ARE failures. The word “failure” has only seven letters but really is a big, heavy word with pretty bad connotations.

Those who feel that they have failed at something be it at work or in their personal lives often can feel as if they have hit a road block. I wonder, though, what would happen if instead of looking at failure as a road block, they looked at failure as a speed bump that if they move slowly over it really does little damage? For many who feel like they ARE a failure, it seems as though the thought often is that failure is final. What if instead we considered failure as an opportunity to learn, grow and become? What if instead we looked at failure as part of success? What if instead of looking at failure as something from which we cannot recover as a launching point for something better?

How do we do that, though? It starts with recognizing that struggle, that failure sometimes is part of life. Most of us will struggle at some point in our lives. But that struggle does not mean that we are failing. That struggle means that we are growing.

Sometimes we feel like we are failing, as though we are failures, because our careers, our love lives, our relationships are not quite what we would want them to be. I wonder if that feeling could be a signal that perhaps it is time for change. Maybe we are unhappy with our careers because they have become unfulfilling or we feel there is no room for growth. Maybe that is a sign that now might be a good time to consider a career change. Changing careers does not mean you have failed at one thing, it means that you are meant for something different, something that better aligns with your hopes, dreams and aspirations.

Feeling as though our love lives are rife with failure perhaps means that we need to take stock of our relationships and look at any relationship patterns. Maybe it means that we need to reconsider both what it means to be a good partner and what kind of partner we deserve. Perhaps we can look at failure in our love lives as a signal that we deserve better and then demand better.

So many of us view failure as some sort of indication that we are somehow lesser than or unworthy of love or belonging. This could not be further from the truth. None of us is successful at every single thing we do. If we allow it, failure can be a teacher. What is failure teaching you? What can you learn about yourself from what you perceive as a failing? Failure does not have to be final. It only is final if you allow it to be so.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

It seems as though the hits just keep on coming. We still are in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic and now we learn of the spreading of monkeypox. The war in Ukraine rages on. We are seeing inflation skyrocketing. We are seeing women’s reproductive health rights being stripped away state by state and now face the same at the federal level. We see mass shootings on what seems to be a weekly basis with no action being taken regarding common-sense gun laws. All of this and the day-to-day stress we may be feeling from our jobs and relationships may leave us wondering what we can do to ease our pain.

With this week’s school shooting in Texas and the shooting in Buffalo, New York, just days ago, in addition to the assault on women’s rights, we may be wondering what we can do. We may feel helpless, hopeless, angry, incensed, sad, disappointed and betrayed by our country. We may not know what to do. Some people have said that they will be offering “thoughts and prayers.” For some this may seem an anemic response to the goings-on in the world. Perhaps now is a time to take action.

There are some things we can do to help us feel as though we are doing something, anything. We can write letters to our senators and congresspeople. We can participate in non-violent rallies. We can donate blood to help those who are victims of mass shootings. We can donate our time and/or money to causes that are important to us. We can elect leaders who are willing to protect our right to choose and who will work toward enacting sensible gun laws.

One of the most important things we can do when it all feels as though the world is imploding is to practice good self-care. It is okay to take a break from the news if it all seems too much. It is okay to remember that is good to stay abreast of the news while not getting bogged down if you find that your mental health is being affected by the day’s events. It is okay to surround yourself with people with whom you can share your thoughts and feelings and on whom you can rely for emotional support. It is okay to speak kindly to yourself and to offer yourself compassion for whatever it is you may be feeling. It is okay to remind yourself that whatever you are feeling is fair and valid.

We are living in troubling times. We may find ourselves at a loss as to how to manage. Should you feel the urge to take action, please remember to do so in a way that is respectful of others. And please remember that self-care is of the utmost importance when you find yourself struggling. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, remember that is okay to reach out to a mental health professional. It takes more courage to ask for help than it does to suffer in silence.

We are living in stressful times. We still are in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic. An unjust war rages in the Ukraine. We’re hearing news of monkeypox spreading across the globe. Inflation is a concern for many. Gas prices are on the rise. Food costs are going up. Women’s reproductive healthcare is being attacked. All of these things, in addition to our everyday stressors of work and family life, can mean we are feeling an increase in stress.

I have heard people talking recently about how to avoid stress and find myself thinking that stress is largely unavoidable. Many of us encounter some measure of stress on a near daily basis. The question is, what can you do to manage stress? Stress is different than anxiety. Stress is most often caused by an external trigger such as a work deadline, the goings-on in the world, financial concerns or relationship troubles. Anxiety involves internal triggers that include some measure of trepidation or worry. Both stress and anxiety can result in physical sensations, such as trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, changes in appetite, difficulty concentrating, trouble focusing, muscle soreness or tension and irritability.

Both stress and anxiety can be managed by practicing healthy coping skills. Stress, to some extent, can be controlled by how we choose to react to it. We as humans have the power to choose how we are going to react to any given situation.

We can choose to look at stress as something that can be managed or we can choose to look at stress as an insurmountable obstacle. How we choose to respond to stress ultimately can affect not just our physical health but our mental health, as well.

What are some ways to manage stress? Practicing healthy coping skills such as exercise, meditation, listening to music, reading, watching a movie or television show all can help manage stress. Talk it out with a trusted other. Turning to alcohol, marijuana or other substances ultimately likely will cause more harm in the long run as doing so often runs counter to our values, leading to more stress and anxiety. Should you find that your stress turns to anxiety and becomes overwhelming, it might be time to turn to a mental health professional. Doing so does not mean that you are weak or somehow inept. It takes more courage to ask for help than it does to suffer in silence.

Here are some other ways to manage stress:

• Talk to someone you trust.
• Set boundaries and say “no”
• Write a note to someone you care about.
• Be assertive.
• Use humor.
• Spend time with friends and/or family.
• Serve someone in need.
• Care for or play with a pet.

Remember, you can choose how you respond to stress by pausing in the moment and noticing what you are feeling. It is perfectly acceptable to take a minute to decide how you want to respond to any given situation that you notice is leaving you feeling stressed. What do you need in that moment to manage your stress? Do you need to go for a walk around the block? Do you need to go listen to your favorite song for a few minutes? Do you need to go for a run? Whatever you need to do so manage stress in a healthy way is okay.

How are you choosing to respond to the stressors in your life? Can you give yourself permission to step back for a moment and decide what your next steps are? Can you take steps now to manage stress in your life so that it does not become anxiety? What can you do today to manage your stress?

I recently read Brene Brown’s “Atlas of the Heart” and find myself continuing to think about one of the 87 emotions she speaks of in the book: schadenfreude, or taking pleasure in another person’s suffering or misfortune.

I have been thinking about this a lot in the days since I read the book, in part because I see so much of it on social media. And while this begs the question of why I am spending so much time on social media, it also begs a larger question, and that is what is happening in society today that so many people seem to engage in schadenfreude. There are many reasons but one of them is that it is easy to hide behind the cloak of relative anonymity of social media and use the laughing emoji to engage in taking pleasure in others’ suffering. I see it when people use that emoji to react to stories about COVID-19 related deaths or waves of the virus sweeping through communities, leaving scores sick.

It may seem as though engaging in schadenfreude can bring about some kind of connection, but that connection is more likely is counterfeit and will be short-lived. True connection is forged by giving ourselves permission to be vulnerable and to let others really see and understand us, it is forged by practicing compassion and empathy. Collective schadenfreude promotes what Brown calls in her book counter-empathy and means that our emotional reaction is incongruent with another person’s emotional experience.

According to Brown, schadenfreude actually shuts down the area of our brains that we use for empathy and lights up areas of the brain that make us feel good and entice us to engage in similar behaviors in the future. But practicing schadenfreude, while enticing at first, can often lead to deeper feelings of shame and guilt because doing so can mean that we have violated our values and what we really hold important.

Is practicing schadenfreude something we really want to do? Is feeling pleasure at the expense of another person’s troubles really who we want to be as a society? What does this say about how we can change so that we can be a more compassionate people?

The opposite of schadenfreude is freudenfreude and that is the enjoyment of another person’s success. It is a subset of empathy. What would happen if instead of taking pleasure in another person’s pain, we celebrated another person’s victories? Celebrating another person’s victories and asking what that victory felt like can create real connection. We forge connection by building people up, not by tearing people down.

I recently read Susan David’s “Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life” and found myself thunderstruck by what she says about how our emotions can lead us closer to or away from our values and it really got me thinking. How can we lean into our emotions in such a way as to move us closer to our values?

This begs an even bigger question and that is, “What are our core values?” Some of us know exactly what our core values are while others of us may struggle to name even a few core values. Even more ponderous is that idea that some of us struggle to name our emotions and thus have trouble discerning whether our emotions are moving us closer to or away from our values. Many of us know the primary emotions of happy, sad, mad. But there are many more beneath those, including excited, disappointed and afraid. How can we use our emotions to move us closer to our values?

One way to do so is to really drill down in any given moment and tap into what we’re really feeling. Sometimes when we’re feeling angry, there can be something underneath that anger, something like fear, sadness, disappointment or hurt. How might any of these emotions be moving you closer to or away from your values? Perhaps you value family and perhaps a family member has said or done something that initially left you feeling anger. What is beneath that anger and how can you tap into your emotion to move closer to your value of family? Perhaps that might require you to have what could be an uncomfortable conversation with that family member. Discomfort often does not mean danger, though sometimes can if there is a bear, wolf or lion in the room. Sometimes we have to do what is uncomfortable to move us closer to our values.

Our emotions can be powerful tools for change if we give ourselves permission to tap into them, listen to them and use them to move closer to our values. This requires us to really pause and be present in the moment so that we can really discern what exactly it is that we’re feeling. This takes patience and practice, and courage. But as David says, “Courage is fear walking.” Doing the scary thing so can help us move closer to our values so that we can feel as though we are living true to ourselves and as authentically as we possibly can.

What steps might you be willing to take to use your emotions to move closer to your values? Can you first identify what your core values are? Can you give yourself permission to tap into your emotions? The more we live true to our values, the better we likely will feel about ourselves and our lives.

Yesterday, I finished reading Brene Brown’s “Braving the Wilderness,” which is about our desire to belong and have since found myself pondering what that means and what it means to crave connection.

As human beings, we are wired for connection. None of us can get through life alone. We need other people to help us navigate the sometimes choppy waters of life. And that is okay. We as humans are interdependent upon others. That is different than being codependent, which means we cannot function on our own and that our thinking and behavior is organized around another person. But Brown’s book on belonging and connection has left me wondering what that all means.

Belonging requires us to be ourselves. It is different than fitting in, which means we act in ways that we hope garner approval from others. Belonging requires us to sometimes stand alone. It also requires that we first belong to ourselves, and that, it seems can be tricky. How do we first belong to ourselves so that we can feel as though we belong in the world? Belonging to ourselves requires that we be true to ourselves, our values and convictions.

Read that: True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are. That means that we do not massage our values to fit in with any particular group or sect. That means that we hold true to our values, whatever they may be, even in the face of adversity. True belonging requires us to dig deep and really come to know ourselves as the sometimes flawed, perfectly imperfect beings that we are. Yes, that may be frightening, but if we do not belong to ourselves how can we possibly feel as though we belong anywhere in the world?

I have always craved connection, true, deep emotional connection. I have long craved true belonging. Yet I find it scary to be vulnerable with others, and even more so with myself. Brown says in her many books that vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage. I sometimes wonder if I have the courage to be vulnerable not just with others so that I may be truly seen and heard, but with myself so that I can come to better know and trust myself. Vulnerability is hard. And scary. But without practicing vulnerability, how can we come to know ourselves or let anyone else truly know us. We want to belong yet fear sometimes gets in our way of letting that really happen.

How do we get there? How do we give ourselves permission to be vulnerable with ourselves and with others? We do so by getting to know who we are through the hard work of self-evaluation and self-assessment. This may mean therapy (which I participate in). We do this by allowing ourselves to be seen and heard by stating our values and convictions and by holding true to what we believe. True belonging does not require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.

So, who are we? Who am I? I am a person who values family and loyalty, who values emotional intimacy, who values meaningful conversation. I am a person who believes in science and data and fact-based information. What values do you hold? Are you true to your values? Are you true to yourself when interacting with people from different groups or sects? Do you belong to yourself?

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

We live in chaotic times. The COVID-19 pandemic still is raging. There is an unjustified war in the Ukraine. Suicides and drug overdoses are skyrocketing. Peoples’ mental health is declining. And so many of us fear sharing what really is going on with us out of concern about how we will be perceived and stigma surrounding mental health, substance use and eating disorders.

All of this may leave us hungry for some kind of help, be it physical comfort or assistance with our mental health. What happens, though, when that help we need is desired from our loved ones and it is not forthcoming? What happens when our most basic need for compassion and understanding goes unmet?

Certainly this may happen because some people are emotionally unavailable or emotional vampires, but sometimes this happens because we who suffer assume our trusted others know how we feel and we believe that they should automatically know what we need. As I frequently tell my clients, it does not matter how long you have been with or known your trusted other, be it a partner, parent, sibling or friend, your person cannot know exactly what you are feeling and what you need unless you tell that person. It does not matter if it has been 10 days, 10 weeks, 10 months or 10 years. Unless you share what you are feeling and what you need in that moment, your person is only guessing.

Why are so many of us often reluctant to share what we’re feeling? Perhaps it is because in the past, doing so has left us feeling unheard or unseen. Perhaps we have felt rejected. If that is true for you, that leads me to wonder if perhaps you have shared your feelings, needs, wants and desires with the wrong person or in a way that left you wanting for more.

What might happen if you used your “I feel … ” statements to share what you are going through emotionally and what you need in that moment. Those statements can help your person better understand exactly what you are feeling and why and what you need in terms of comfort, compassion and understanding. It is perfectly acceptable to say something along the lines of “I feel X because Y and I need Z from you now in this moment.” Hopefully by doing so, your person gains a better understanding of not just of why you feel a certain way but what he or she can do to help.

If the COVID-19 pandemic has taught us anything, perhaps it has given some of us the insight to know that it is okay to not feel okay. The question that remains is, what can you do about it? One thing you can do is share your feelings with a trusted other. Tell that person exactly how you feel and why and what you need. Your feelings, your needs are valid. Whatever you are feeling is okay. Happy, mad, sad, glad, other. Your feelings are acceptable. It is okay to share them.

We like to think that because we have known someone for years, that that person should know us well enough to simply take care of our needs without prompting. That is not necessarily always true. Your people cannot read your mind. Some are better than others at reading affect and body language, but others may need some help understanding what it is you are feeling. It is okay to share with those people what you are feeling and what you need.

If you want to be seen, heard and understood you have to summon the courage to be vulnerable and share your feelings. If you want your needs to be met, it is okay to voice what those are and how you want those needs met. Yes, it would be lovely if our people could do that without prompting but not everyone is able to do that. Meet those people in the middle by sharing with them. Perhaps by doing so, you will find that you feel seen and heard.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP

I am reading Brene Brown’s “Braving the Wilderness” and am struck by, well, pretty much everything she writes in the book. One of the ideas that has resonated most with me is the idea that it is hard to hate people once we really get to know them.

In this age of social media, it can be easy to focus on all the hatred and vitriol. Social media can serve the purpose of helping us stay in some way connected to friends and family, but also can open us up to what seems to be the collective anger of the masses. We can choose to step away from that anger, hatred and vitriol by choosing not to engage or read posted comments. It seems difficult to engage with people on social media in thoughtful conversation as so many people seem to double down on their rage and insist on being indignant. What happens, though, with those we really know outside of social media (meaning, in real life) when we invite people to share with us why they think in a certain way or believe certain ideas?

It is hard to hate people if we invite them to share with us their stories.

If we muster the courage to speak with people face-to-face and one-to-one and invite them to share with us their stories, we give ourselves the gift of learning who they really are. When we invite people to share with us what caused them to think a certain way or believe certain ideas, we give ourselves the gift of making a connection with someone who may think differently than we do. We open ourselves up to new perspectives. That does not have to mean that we change our minds; we can still disagree with those people. It does mean that we have open up a line of communication and better understanding.

It can be difficult in this age of social media to make the decision to chat with people in real life and may not always be feasible. But I suspect some of us have “friends” on social media who live not far from us who we may be able to meet for a cup of coffee somewhere to discuss the events of the day. Yes, doing so may be scary or even inconvenient but doing so helps us grow as human beings and affords us the opportunity to learn who those “friends” really are.

Hate is borne of ignorance. The antidote to hate is not just love but respect and understanding. One of the ways we can combat hate is by embracing opportunities to get to know not just the people in our circles, but those who live outside of those circles. It is hard to hate people once you move in. Move in.

~ Karri Christiansen, MSW, LSW, CADC, CCTP